"BORED, bored, bored, bored..." sang my wife to a tune not dissimilar to the chimes of Big Ben as she suffered through extra time and penalties in the FA Cup Final (BBC1, Sky Sport 1, Saturday).

"This football has been going on for three flipping hours and still nothing is happening," she raged, which was a very bad sign indeed for a man planning to watch the dreaded Eurovision Song Contest 2005 (BBC1, Saturday) "congratulations on a great show" voting system.

In this multi-channel world it's so easy to flick over during the mind-numbing questions up to £1,000 in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (ITV1, Saturday) and still catch Javine's hopeless quest for anything but humiliation with Touch My Fire.

"Don't you dare vote," said Mrs Bored as my household duly recognised that Israel's Shiri Maimon had the best song of the night, although Moldova's Granny Buttons came unnervingly near to upsetting a Greek victory. The highlight, as always, was Mr Wogan who complained about the multitude of plain-looking woman on stage and the lack of vests on a breezy night. He also superbly dubbed the presenters Pavlo Shylko and Masha Efrosinina as Ant and Shrek, thanks to the poor Ukrainian woman's habit of shouting every announcement. Microphones are obviously a new innovation in Kiev. When the show's special guests turned out to be the Klitschko boxing brothers I thought Terry was going to giggle himself to death. With Mr W hated by the entire Danish population for his comments in 2001 it's little wonder that the BBC aren't going back to televise a 50th birthday Eurovision celebration hosted by the Danes in October. The idea is that fans will vote for their 14 all-time favourite songs and the original artists will be invited to perform again.

As Abba's Waterloo is certain to top the chart, this leads us directly to the bizarre world of Agnetha Faltskog and Abba: Behind The Blonde (C4, Tuesday). The woman who is so mixed up she claims she can't remember how to speak English any more gave her first TV interview in 20 years. "Good God, this is tedious and why do they keep repeating bits," said Mrs Bored as the programme focused on a fat, balding Dutchman who stalked Agnetha and claimed to have had a two-year relationship with her. Along the way, the old stories of Abba's rise and fall and even sadder demise of their neuroses-hit singer was trotted out once more. Not a lot was "untold" as promised and the interview list of neighbours, ex-friends, former showbiz associates and an ex-boyfriend didn't cover documentary maker Nick Cory-Wright in very much glory. Now if Abba star and ex-husband Bjorn Uluaeus had spoken or even former Abba members Benny Andersson and Anni-Frid Lyngstad had agreed to participate, then the outcome might not have been so thin.

I'd like to think that the fabulous four - and my wife recently bought a DVD version of their greatest hits "on special offer" - will enjoy a night of nostalgia in Denmark. Although Agnetha will presumably have to sing the words to Waterloo in Swedish.

Published: 28/05/2005