NOW let's just get this straight. Dr Tom Gilder is dead because Michael French wanted to be written out of Born And Bred (BBC1, Wednesday) and his father Dr Arthur Gilder can't attend the funeral at perpetually crisis-hit Ormston village because actor James Bolam was written out of the previous series and is now "in New Zealand".

You'd have thought that Dr A could have spared a little time for Dr T's trip to that great surgery in the sky. After all, Dr T went chasing all the way to New Zealand to patch things up with Dr A after they didn't see stethoscope to stethoscope about this NHS lark.

"You don't like this series do you? Well it might be rubbish, but it's my rubbish," said my wife, who remains remarkably protective towards the Lancashire lot, while ignoring the local originators of this late-50s-early-60s nostalgia on Heartbeat. Give me Aidensfield any time over Ormston.

Let's face it ladies, who would you prefer to police your area on a pushbike, the avuncular PC Len Cosgrove or that conveyor belt of strapping young men who keep crime off the streets of North Yorkshire?

Born And Bred is now relying on the charms of Dr Nick Logan (Oliver Milburn) who, I presume, is going to become "closer" to Tom's wife Deborah (Jenna Russell) having failed to pinch the other half of a doctor played by Nigel Havers this week.

With ITV ditching every primetime reality TV contest in sight, having seen audiences weary of this format, it was probably a happy accident that Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1, Saturday) jitterbugged to a finish. The unlikely pairing of religious Joseph and broad Leeds-accented Sadie were the surprise winners after a million viewers voted.

"Just look at her face. I don't think she ever considered losing," said Mrs Rumba, my other half, as she watched the result impact on stunned Jodie, who had been the clear favourite with wiry partner Danny. In fact, Joseph and Sadie were so overwhelmed that the slot set aside for their "winning waltz" descended into chaos as the pair out-Paltrowed Gwyneth in terms of sobbing. I'm not even sure if the two had thought as far as a victory twirl.

Their prize is joining the world tour of dance show Burn The Floor, which plays Newcastle Entertainment Centre on September 7. That's Newcastle in Australia unfortunately.

Staying in fantasy land, The Secretary Who Stole £4 Million (BBC2, Wednesday) proved to be a documentary without too much drama mainly because the programme makers never got close to their subject Joyti De-Laurey (played by Meera Syal). The lame excuse that the Home Office keeps media contact away from prisoners meant that everyone except Joyti and her husband Tony (portrayed by John Salthouse) offered opinions but few rational facts.

Don't family members write letters to each other any more? The tabloids appear to learn what's going on inside the head of an imprisoned serial killer far too quickly. Family and friends dished as much dirt as they could but even telling us the salary of the thieving Goldman Sachs personal assistant - which is what is supposed to have motivated her actions - seemed beyond the production team. It could never happen in Heartbeat.

Published: 11/06/2005