A STARTLING letter arrived from Ken Lavery, Darlington's former divisional police commander.

Mr Lavery was responding to the news that a poultry farmer had been awarded £40,000 by the Ministry of Defence because noise from the Red Arrows had caused his hens to lay fewer eggs.

"One balmy night in July, some years ago, I was laid in a fragrant meadow, making love to a local girl. Suddenly, a Harrier Jump jet screamed overhead, only 50 yards above," he wrote.

He explained that the shock resulted in an involuntary reaction (I've censored the original term!) that led to the birth of a child nine months later.

"As was my duty, I paid generous child maintenance for the next 16 years. Do you think that a retrospective claim to the MoD would result in the reimbursement of my maintenance payments? They were clearly at fault for my predicament," he concluded.

As any former police officer would expect, I did my detective work and rang Mr Lavery to check the authenticity of the letter.

After a pregnant pause, he confirmed the unwanted conception did not really happen.

He only wanted to make a point about "compensation-obsessed Britain".

Phew.