ENGLAND were as static as the Terracotta Army in their opening Rugby World Cup match and unless they improve dramatically against South Africa today the British Museum's exhibition of Chinese warriors will continue to prove far more popular.

This isn't how it was supposed to be after the 2003 triumph in Sydney, with promises that it would be used as a launching pad for rugby to kick the national obsession with football into touch. Crowds have increased for Premiership games, but that's all down to marketing as the sterile stuff on the pitch is reflected by England's leaden efforts.

Whereas they used to be able to choose between Matt Dawson and Kyran Bracken, this time they have been deprived of their only world-class scrum half through Harry Ellis's injury, but no No 9 can sparkle when provided with such slow ball.

It's no good having "proven winners" in the side if they're past it, as Lawrence Dallaglio clearly is, while Mike Catt was a veteran worthy only of coming off the bench four years ago.

Nick Easter's introduction for Dallaglio should improve the dynamism in the back row, but the injuries to both fly halves have merely underlined the lunacy of leaving behind the talented and versatile Toby Flood.

At best the selection of ex-Rugby League man Andy Farrell at fly half can be seen as bold as he is a man with something to prove. But it brings solidity rather than sparkle to a backline which has no room for the player with real glitter, Mathew Tait.

It was amusing to read in Tait's column that he had enjoyed the "hours de oeurves" at a reception, but after the aperitif against the USA there's no time for soup or sorbet - it's straight on to the red meat, which is sadly why the young whipper-snapper is not involved.

His column opened with the observation that a win is a win, which is how the ITV interviewer began when speaking to coach Brian Ashton last Saturday, except that he prefaced it with "at the end of the day." If such sophisticated interviewing creeps into football, what will there be left for the manager to say?

FRANCE must be full of rouge visages. If things weren't bad enough after losing the opening World Cup game to Argentina, they got a whole lot worse with the footballers' home defeat by Scotland.

At least it gave the bagpipes something to screech about as their rugby players have no more chance than England of making an impression and their cricketers' presence at the World Twenty20 is a joke.

What is the point of has-beens such as Gavin Hamilton and Dougie Brown gracing a stage which ought to be for young, athletic big-hitters?

One thing in the Scottish rugby players' favour is that their next two games are at Murrayfield, while Wales have two at Cardiff. This is the ridiculous legacy of our fellow Brits backing the French bid ahead of the English and games were also due to go to Dublin until it was decided to redevelop Lansdowne Road.

There will, of course, be massive consolation for France if their defeat by Argentina means they meet, and beat, New Zealand in the quarter-finals.

I'M delighted to see that Paula Radcliffe is to take part in the Great North Run, but I hope she is paying the same entrance fee for the privilege as the thousands of fun runners who will be raising millions for charity. If not, how much is she being paid? Can we expect an answer? Probably not.

DAMIAN Duff is the latest Newcastle footballer who apparently considers himself above the law. His vehicle - he declined to say who was driving it - was clocked at 105mph in a 50mph zone but he failed to turn up at court. They should insist he rides around on a moped to remind him he is a man who has failed miserably to live up to his price tag.

THEY say 90 per cent of women don't like beards, although I can't say I've noticed and the repellent certainly doesn't seem to apply in the case of Sebastien Chabal. There appears to be much swooning over the hairy French rugby player, which just goes to show that young smoothies are wasting their time and money on all their grooming. What women really want is a caveman.