The Falklands War may have been 25 years ago, but to former Royal Marine Colin Waite, the memories are as vivid as ever. As part of a series marking the anniversary, he tells Lindsay Jennings why sometimes he still wants to run away.

IT was the way the dirt appeared to be dancing before him which sent the first tremors of fear through him. Royal Marine mechanic Colin Waite had heard the air raid red signal. Coffee in hand, he'd been walking across from the catering tent at San Carlos Bay, wondering why the guy in front had ducked down.

"Then I saw it," he recalls. "I realised there was an aircraft coming straight at me and I was his target and the dancing dirt was getting closer. I just turned and ran back and hit the dirt. The aircraft was just coming past and I saw the pilot, he was only 30 feet or so above me. Then I saw the bomb drop. I just watched it... it seemed to take forever."

The bomb exploded, killing two sappers inside a trench, which appeared to take much of the impact.

"I've never felt so lucky in all my life," says Colin, of Newbiggin near Middleton-in-Teesdale. "I felt the explosion and I felt something pass over the top of my head and it literally lifted my hair up. Another quarter of an inch and it would have taken my head off."

For Colin, now 48, the incident is one of the abiding memories of his time serving with the Royal Marines during the Falklands War. It is also one of the events he believes triggered his condition, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He has lived with the effects for 25 years - the mood swings, the sleepless nights, the flashbacks. It is only now that he feels he has his condition under control.

Colin certainly never imagined as a keen 18-year-old in 1977, when he joined the marines, that his career would eventually affect his mental health. He served in Northern Ireland and later on HMS Fearless from 1980 to 1983, training as a beach armoured recovery driver.

He was on leave from Fearless when, on April 2, 1982, he heard that war had been declared against the Argentinians following the invasion of the Falklands and South Georgia islands.

"Being marines, we knew where the Falklands were, but everybody else thought they had invaded Scotland," he says, smiling at the thought. "I had a couple of hours with my wife and then I left. I know it sounds strange but I wanted to go. People said afterwards 'weren't you scared?' But it was what we had trained for and we were ready for it."

Fearless set sail from Portsmouth, sent off by the crowds lining the docks. She was set up for 700 men, but there were 1,500 on board. It took weeks to reach their destination. Colin was part of the beach landing party which went ashore on May 21, 1982.

"We got dug in and everything ready for all our stores to come ashore," says Colin. "Our job was to make sure everything moved forward. We also built the runway above San Carlos for the air force. Then everything is a bit of a blur."

Other memories include the bombing of the landing ship Sir Galahad. During the raid, Fearless' landing craft Foxtrot 4 containing six men was also blown out of the water.

"That was about the saddest day I can remember," says Colin.

He says he felt no hatred towards the Argentinians. "How can you hate them when they're just doing what you're doing?"

And he recalls the day he saw some captured Argentinian soldiers being escorted back to ship. "There was this old man with a load of kids and when he was interviewed it turned out he was the headteacher at a local school and these were all the kids," says Colin. "It was unbelievable."

When the war was over, he remembers sailing around to Port Stanley, seeing the Union flag flying once more. Then it was back to Fearless and the long trip home. That was when the nightmares started.

"I started feeling the loss and blamed myself for returning when others hadn't," he says. "Before I knew it, I was like a different person."

His feelings were exacerbated by a bizarre experience on Fearless when he saw the blown up Foxtrot 4 back in its position. He wasn't the only one. "I can't explain it, but I definitely saw her," he says. "She will have weighed hundreds of tonnes and the Bridge later said it was as if Foxtrot was back on board because Fearless was handling differently."

When he landed at Portsmouth and headed home, his parents wanted to throw a party. But he wasn't interested. He just wanted to get home to "reality".

Colin was reunited with his wife and daughter and continued serving with Fearless, but his PTSD symptoms - his temper and sleepless nights - were beginning to affect his marriage. He left the Royal Marines in 1983 and three years later divorced from his wife. By this time the couple had three girls.

"In the forces you are taught not to talk about things. You go and get drunk rather than share your problems," he says. "I went through 134 jobs from 1984 to 2002. I tried to commit suicide three or four times then work took over, and I tried to work myself into an early grave.

"In 2002 everything really hit. Fearless was mothballed and I ran a campaign to save her for a year, but I wasted my time. By the time the tenth anniversary came round I went off the rails and spent the next three years sitting at home."

A turning point for Colin was setting up the charity, Falklands Veterans Foundation, to help others suffering from PTSD. He took up painting and wrote poetry and was helped by his partner, Marie. The couple now have two girls, aged 11 and nine.

"I'm lucky," he says. "People have committed suicide through the Falklands. A friend of mine shot himself and his children found him. There's alcoholism and there's a number of Falklands veterans in jails - all of it can be attributed to PTSD".

Colin now runs a web design and printing business based in Barnard Castle and says he has learned to cope with his condition. But there are still days when the memories haunt him.

"I've done a lot of things with my life and I like to think I've done a bit of good," he says. "I've talked people out of committing suicide and I'm quite proud of that. But there are days when I still want to run away. I'll never be cured. All you can do is try and find a coping strategy."

For more details on the Falklands Veterans Foundation log onto www.fvf.org.uk. There will be a dinner dance reunion for those who served on HMS Fearless at The Home Club in Portsmouth on Friday, June 1. Details can be found on the reunion website www.hmsfearless.com or by contacting Ray Metcalfe on 02392-528302.

Ardent, the forgotten frigate. See Page 24

In tomorrow's Northern Echo: 'I knew my son was dead'.