Car Torque .... with TV presenter Adrian Chiles

It was a white Mini Metro. The registration was UUD which was very sort of uninspiring. It burnt oil like nobody’s business. I could barely see out of the rear window for clouds of blue smoke. Can’t remember what it cost but sold it for hardly anything. Tragically, I took the front grill off and painted it white as if that would make it look any better.

How many times did it take to pass your test?

I was 17 in March 1984. I had a test booked for June but, trying to be clever and annoy my mates, I got a cancellation and booked an earlier test, in May I think. I failed. I was mortified and my friends let me have it. I took it again in July and passed. It didn’t really sink in until I got in the car later and drove on my own. I’ll never forget the feeling of sheer joy and, quite honestly, I still get that feeling. That’s nice isn’t it? I took my bike test in 2008. Now that was a terrifying experience. I think when you’re younger you’re used to being tested all the time on stuff at school and college. By 2008, though I had a stressful job, nobody had actually formally tested me on anything for nearly 20 years. I passed though and was overjoyed I promise you.

Who would be your ideal fantasy passenger and where would you go?

It would be Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Seinfeld and Veep. I’d pick her up from Heathrow and take her to West Brom. I know how to show a woman a good time. On my bike it would be my priest, Fr Gianni! I drove him around Rome on a moped for the TV documentary that’s going out this week.

He was a very good passenger. I asked him if I managed to kill us both would it be better or worse for my chances of getting into heaven that I was with a priest? In other words, would St Peter take the view that as I was with a priest I should be waved straight in, or would he be annoyed that I’d killed a priest and send me elsewhere? Fr Gianni couldn’t answer that one.

What is your dream car?

Much as I love driving I’m not much into cars. I just want something that can do cities and motorways and doesn’t need filling up very often. It should also have a marvellous hi-fi. I used to fancy myself in a Porsche 911, but my mate had one and it was such a massive effort getting in and out of those low seats that I decided it would be more trouble than it’s worth.

How would you describe your driving style?

Morally superior middle-aged bloke convinced he’s more competent than anyone else who glowers at middle-lane hoggers. You know the kind of thing. Generally not fast apart from, occasionally, on my motorbike. It’s a Yamaha FJR1300, left. I love it almost as much as I love my children and West Brom. And that’s a lot.

Tell me one driving anecdote from your past?

When I was at college I had a Talbot Horizon. I think it’s a bit silly having names for cars but I called it Brian because Brian Talbot was then West Brom’s manager. I even put the letters B R I A N on the bodywork ahead of Talbot. Twenty-six years ago this week West Brom calamitously lost at home to Woking in the FA Cup. I had a broken leg at the time, so my mate drove me with me sitting in the back.

On the way home there was a terrible noise and it turned it out the back bumper had fallen off. And Brian was sacked from the Albion the following week. I was stuck with the letters.

What are you listening to?

I’ve got 14,000 tracks on my ipod and I’m listening to them all in alphabetical order. It’s barmy, I know. Even if I have more than one version of the same song I’ll play every version. On a recent drive from London to my mate’s wedding in Shropshire I only listened to Blowing in the Wind. I have 29 versions of it. I’m currently on G. Specifically Going To California by Led Zeppelin. I have four versions of it.

What do you drive now?

An E-class Merc. Diesel. Nice hi-fi. See above.