Car Torque .... with comedian Hal Cruttenden

What was your first car?

My first car was a Citroen 2CV that my sister gave me! She was a lot wealthier than me at the time. I just remember driving about as a student thinking how cool I was and the excitement that every time I went on the motorway I thought I was going to die.

How many times did it take to pass your test?

I passed first time at 17. I was taught by a man called Robert from Farnham - that’s all I remember. On the day of the test we were having a practice drive and we stopped at a junction and he grabbed my head and turned it saying, ‘Look both ways!’.

I quietly seethed and it made me even more determined not to fail. Afterwards, he gave me some cards to give to friends who wanted to learn to drive. I smiled sweetly and then went into my house, ripped them up, and put them in the bin.

Who would be your ideal fantasy passenger and where would you go?

My ideal fantasy passenger would be the Queen. I just want to drive with a police escort and run some red lights.

What is your dream car?

Rolls Royce Phantom I think. I may seem like a nice sweet cuddly man but, deep down, I‘m a flash w*****.

How would you describe your driving style?

I’d love to say sexy and dangerous but I’m 46. I’m really quite safe and boring and only a couple of miles per hour over the speed limit. Unless I’m running late - then I’m sexy and dangerous again.

Tell me one driving anecdote from your past?

About ten years ago I was being shouted at by a guy in the van behind me at traffic lights in North London. The lights were green but I couldn’t cross them because there was a box junction in front of me and queuing traffic on the other side of that. The lights eventually went red and Van Man got out and walked menacingly towards me saying, ‘I’m going to give you a big fat f****** Christmas present!’ It was Christmas but his clenched fist meant that he didn’t mean it in a nice way. I leaned out my window and said, ‘That’s clever. I’m a police officer.’ - this is illegal but I’ve never met a policeman who said he’d prosecute me in the circumstances. Anyway, this man believed me! He backed off with his hands raised in a sorry gesture while I shouted ‘Just watch it!’ I love to see his face if he’s reading this now.

What are you listening?

I’m listening to NWA’s ‘Straight Outta Compton’ at the moment. I realise that I was never their target audience but I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.

What do you drive now?

I recently bought an Audi Q5. The first car I’ve ever bought that I really love. Why is it that by the time you can afford to buy a car that looks good, you look crap?

For more details and to book tickets click here. You can follow Hal on Twitter @Halcruttenden