Car Torque ... with comedian Tom Wrigglesworth

In his 2013 Edinburgh total sell-out show Utterly at Odds With the Universe, Tom explores the poignant relationship he had with his grandfather, delving into taped interviews they had done during Tom’s childhood and living out the fantasy of being able to make one final interview with his hero. For more details visit www.tomwrigglesworth.co.uk 

What was your first car?

The first car that was fully at my disposal was actually a company car. So not really mine, but I had to pass my test first. The day after I finally did pass my boss insisted on taking me out for a kind of test drive. Thirty minutes later, after we’d been up and down the motorway and around the town, we arrived back at the company headquarters. My boss was sweating profusely and had developed a sort of nervous twitch. He walked me past all the shiny new fleet cars they had recently had delivered and handed me the keys to a battered Saab. It had so many dents in it that every bump I gave it actually made it look more normal.

How many times did it take to pass your test?

My first instructor was rubbish. At one point, we had another guy sat in the back of the BSM standard issue Micra, who was examining my instructor. He got sacked shortly after. Consequently, I got very good at failing tests. I think I took five. Yes, five. I used to go to pieces in the test. I think some of my examiners embraced religion after overseeing a test with me. I finally cracked it with what the examiner described as one of the best tests he’s seen! One minor fault! As far as I know he hasn’t succumbed to any religion.

Who would be your ideal fantasy passenger and where would you go?

I’d like to take the lady who does the voice of my sat nav for a spin. Just to illustrate to her that saying “in 300 yards….in 200 yards…..in 100 yards…..go right on the roundabout” is a bit overkill and becomes very annoying. Once is enough thanks lady.

In fact, I’d ask her loads of questions, but each one I’d ask three times with slightly different intonations, "How are YOU today?….How ARE you today?….How are you TODAY?”, just to give her a taste of her own medicine. That said, if it wasn’t for her I’d be still driving round a one way system in Tunbridge Wells from a gig three nights ago, so I kind of owe her my life, and I’d love to thank her for that - three times!

What is your dream car?

I really don’t know many of the names, but I saw some sort of road vehicle the other day that was the size of a biggish car, but the roof was incredibly high. I mean, it looked like you could stand up in it. I think I’d really love a car that you stood up to drive, it’d be more like captaining a ship. And you could walk around the car when stopped at traffic lights. It seems ridiculous that these things aren’t available.

How would you describe your driving style?

Like Alan Hansen. Slow, solid, defensive, reliable, calm, collected. And the first to criticise anyone else who dares not to have these qualities. I’m also more polite behind the wheel than I am normally. I thank people for considerate acts even when thanking them endangers the situation. And I thank people for thanking me - in busy, busy, me, me London, that sort of courtesy can freak people out.

Tell me one driving anecdote from your past?

My favourite one involved my friend’s Dad. He took on a hire car to drive from Scotland to Portsmouth. That’s a good eight hours in anyone’s book. Being of traditional Dad stock, he had an encyclopaedic knowledge of our islands major and trunk roads; no need for a sat nav in his world. However, the car had a sat nav, and with him being of traditional Dad stock meant he didn’t know how to turn it off. The sat nav was programmed for a local address in Scotland, so he spent the eight-hour drive being told to ‘turn around when possible’.

What are you listening to?

My mechanic told me that if I treated my car nicely, I’d get another two years out of it. So I listened, and installed a new stereo and subwoofer. Consequently anything sounds awesome, especially thumping dub-step. It makes breaking the speed limit almost inevitable though. So I’ll mix it up with a bit of Mozart, just to keep my average down.

What do you drive now?

Vauxhall Astra. Yes, you heard right. It’s LPG so it’s very economical. And, like I say, it’s the best place I get to listen to music.