IF

If you can hold your head up high,

When reporters peek and reporters pry,

If you can duck the question and hide

behind your moat,

Then you can thumb your nose at

Those who merely vote.

And if your family home is really not your house,

And if you live elsewhere, with or without your spouse,

Expenses is the game you play,

An extra something every day,

The electorate will have to pay.

If Parliamentary honour is your rule,

Then put your brave face on,

Keep the faith and have belief,

Send in a claim for a Remembrance wreath,

And you’ll be an MP, my son.

Steve Craggs, Darlington

KEEP ON FIDDLING WHILE PARLIAMENT BURNS

I am in the wrong profession

it’s very clear to see

It’s much the better option to be

selected as MP

I would not need a conscience

or feel any guilt at all

I could have my cake and eat it,

I won’t have to take a fall.

“It’s within the rules,” I can smugly state

When Tesco delivers me a nice big crate

Of expensive wine and a supply of food

Enough to last a month, oh my life is so good.

One house won’t do,

why not have two?

There are thousands of pounds that I can blue

Two televisions, stereos, carpets and garden tools

You can’t complain: “It’s within the rules.”

I can make alterations

and get decorators in

I will certainly claim

for a new kitchen bin

To match the new fittings

Along with fine cutlery

and good table mats.

What the eye doesn’t see,

the heart then won’t grieve

It’s in the public interest I truly believe

To pay me the perks is my just rewards

Representing them and working so hard.

“It’s within the rules,”

We made them after all

To suit our lifestyle and we play the ball

Of talking in riddles and politically so

Simply don’t answer a question

with a quick yes or no.

I can have a new sofa,

a new bath plug and loo

Because I’m not paying, I double it too.

I have nothing to lose and plenty to gain

When I book my seat on this gravy train.

E Gillott, Darlington