LAUREN and Joey become kissing cousins in EastEnders (BBC1). And in case you’re worried, it’s not illegal although the idea of the Branning cousins as a couple may not go down too well in Walford.

For the moment, Joey is with someone else.

Sort of. Lauren finds out that he’s been snogging Whitney behind Lucy’s back. This isn’t playing the game (more like playing the field), but the three girls team up to take revenge on the randy romeo by handcuffing Joey to playground equipment.

Is that a good move? He might actually enjoy being handcuffed by three young ladies. It’s the sort of thing some young chaps dream of. Underneath the Arches, Fill the Fug takes time off from being granddad to baby Lexi to give Masood’s brother AJ a job at the garage.

Masoon, a very troublesome relative, has been told to pull his weight if he’s sticking around the Square because the family is short of cash following Syed’s financial dealings, which make George Osborne look competent.

AJ comes knocking on the Arches garage door boasting to Fill that he’s a hotshot mechanic. “Fix that then,” demands Fill, pointing to a clapped-out old motorcycle.

Lewis the conman is on the prowl in Coronation Street (ITV1) after letting down Audrey again in the money department. So a job offer at the Rovers is very welcome indeed. It also gives him a chance to get in Gloria’s good books – and probably into her bank account if his past behaviour is anything to go by.

It’s all Greek to me what’s going on round at Roy’s Rolls. Roy arrives back early from his trip to the US and finds a bacchanalian orgy going on. Spurred on by the success of Moroccan and Russian nights, Mary has gone all Greek. The ouzo is flowing and the customers are very merry.

There is a slight problem. Roy’s Rolls hasn’t got a liquor licence and someone has reported they’re selling alcohol to the licensing authorities. I bet it was the Nasty Nick whose Bistro has suffered a downturn in trade since Mary started her theme nights.

Marcus and Maria are having a party of their own. Their partners Jason and Aiden are there but the couple, still reeling from a shock kiss the other week, are trying to come to terms with their feelings.

After a glass or two of wine, a lip-locking session seems inevitable. They’re fighting a losing battle against their feelings.

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1) the hunt continues for the killer of Carl King. Never mind who murdered him, who’ll take over the title of the tallest man in soap?