FORM an orderly queue if you want to get married in Soapland. There’s a lot of it about. Who says marriage is going out of fashion? They can’t get enough of it in Emmerdale (ITV1) and EastEnders (BBC1) with not one, not two but three weddings scheduled to take place next week.

Of course, followers of Soapland events know that many couples don’t make it through the ceremony. What happens makes the Moldavian wedding massacre in Dynasty look like a minor glitch.

Chas Dingle is set to wed Dan Dan the comedy man in Emmerdale. Only one thing stands in the way – Carl, the tallest man in soap. This is the chap that Chas jilted at the altar last year and who’s been blackmailing her over her affair with Cameron.

Yes, I know she’s marrying Dan but he’s blissfully unaware that she’s been carrying on with Cam while being pursued by Carl. She’s a Dingle who likes to keep men dangling.

The other wedding sees Declan and Katie getting wed. Probably. Perhaps. Who knows? His half-sister Meddling Megan might have something to say about it, like “stop the wedding”. She’s miffed that the happy couple have swindled her and son Robbie out of the profits from the festival staged in an Emmerdale field the other week.

Perhaps things will run more smoothly in Walford where star-crossed lovers Christian and Syed are due to tie the knot – and the noose round stockbroker Danny’s neck. Well, Christian may feel like murder if he finds out the city boy has been swapping saliva with Syed.

Come the day of the civil ceremony, Syed has a tough decision to make. On the one hand there’s Syed and baby Yasmin and a flat in Walford. On the other hand there’s Danny and a penthouse by the river. The choice is his.

Danny and Syed end up at the Masood’s restaurant after Syed and Christian’s stag do at the Vic. Danny’s all for a spot of hanky panky at the Argee Bargee. He moves in for a kiss. All Syed wants is money, not in exchange for a spot of how’s your father, but the return on the money Danny’s invested for him.

Enter Syed’s dad who’s already spotted them having a kiss although he hasn’t told. You can probably guess it ends with a punch but who’s hitting who?

Hairdresser Audrey is that rarity in Soapland – a woman who stands by her man, instead of leaving him standing while she beds someone else. They’re returning from their cruise when reformed (or is he?) conman Lewis disappears.

It’s a bit like that Hitchcock film The Lady Vanishes, only on Eurostar.

Audrey’s TV appeal for news of Lewis in Coronation Street (ITV1) results in an unwelcome appearance from another woman in his life, Penny, who claims he swindled her out of £10,000.

But is this another con? Perhaps Penny and Lewis in it together. Should Audrey write out a cheque to Penny to cover the money Lewis stole?

Don’t do it, Audrey. Go and have a stiff G&T in the Rovers and put Lewis out of your mind before he empties your bank account.

  • Two weddings, two births and a funeral take place in Emmerdale’s 40th anniversary week, which is previewed in Weekend on Saturday