DODGY Derek is on the warpath in EastEnders (BBC1) after daughter Alice is left bloodied and bruised after being mugged.

The person he blames for the attack is Tanya.

Not that she was the mugger. It’s just that Derek blames the makeover Alice had in Tanya’s beauty salon for the attack. Her new glamorous look, he reasons unreasonably, made her a target for muggers. You’d have thought Tanya had tattooed “mug me” on Alice’s forehead. Tanya doesn’t take it lying down (like most women in Walford). She gives Derek a mouthful and tells him she’s not scared of him.

Derek doesn’t react well. He goes berserk.

He warns I’m All Right Jack to stay away from Sharon or – and you may think this is over-reacting – he’ll end up with a knife in his chest like her husband, Dennis.

This is upsetting for little Dennis who overhears the whole thing and didn’t know that’s how his father died. Tanya lets rip and throws Derek out of the house, “You’ll regret that,” he warns her.

We’ve noted before, in the words of the song, that whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

Okay, so, she didn’t want to get pregnant by Evil Ben, but their child Lexi doesn’t appear to have 666 on its head (or 999 if you’re holding it upside down) so, no need to worry about pushing the devil’s child in the pram.

Sensibly, she has neglected to tell anyone the identity of the father and with Ben banged up for the murder of Big Hevv, the secret of the baby’s paternity seems safe. But single mum Lola is having a tough time, what with social services wondering about her maternal instincts and having to do community service after a brush with the law. And there’s a small matter of being taken in for police questioning following a fight.

The child’s granddad is a very Silly Billy and as much use as a chocolate teapot now that he’s looking for a job. So he asks cousin Fill the Fug for help. Fill says no, then changes his mind after some gentle persuasion from Sharon. This time Billy tells him to get stuffed.

But as Lola’s woes multiply, Silly Billy realises he’s being silly and goes begging Fill for the help he’s rejected once. But what conditions might Fill attach to any aid?

There are warnings too in Coronation Street (ITV1) when Dreary Deirdre comes knocking. The woman who answers the door is Wendy Crozier, the old flame with whom Deirdre’s husband, Ken Barlow, has become reacquainted through the school governors’ board. A suspicious Deirdre follows Ken and the trail leads to a Wendy house. Seeing Ken give her a kiss infuriates Deirdre, who reckons Ken’s philandering again.

Wendy has a perfectly reasonable explanation for the two of them being together. They were discussing an old boiler.

And that’s no way to be talking about Deirdre. What’s that? They weren’t. No, it seems they were chatting about replacing an old boiler at school.

The highly-anticipated HomeFields Festival gets under way in Emmerdale (ITV1), but all is not well behind the scenes with Declan and Katie plotting to swindle Megan and long-lost son Robbie out of the takings. A sort of Robbie robbery.

Katie suggests to Chas that they get married. Not to each other but have a double wedding – Declan and Katie, Chas and Dave, sorry Dan. What a bad idea, it means that twice as many things can go wrong. Real double trouble.