IT’S Christmas and a familiar figure is roaming Albert Square. He may well be a jolly fat person with a beard and red suit, handing out presents and going ho-ho-ho all over the place?
No, it’s not Big Pat because she’s decided not to do her Santa impersonation this year.
The returnee in EastEnders (BBC1) is none other than – shout it from the rooftops – Rick-eee-eee-eee.
He’s back from working in Dubai and clearly the sun has affected what little brain power he possessed. Somehow he’s lost all the money he earned while toiling abroad.
This doesn’t go down well with wife Bee-anchor, newly released from prison. Or Big Pat who was relying on Rickeee- eee-eee’s cash to pay off the loan on her house.
He’s soon reunited with old pal Mandy but is she handy when he needs some comfort and joy.
That’s right, Rick-eee-eee-eee hasn’t been back five minutes before he’s cheating on bangedup Bee-anchor with someone in the Square.
There’s little seasonal goodwill over in Coronation Street (ITV1) where the feud between demonic David Platt and Awful Owen Armstrong escalates over Christmas trees.
They’ve been at loggerheads since Owen built a pond in his garden. David views it as a potentially hazardous installation that will hamper his and Kylie’s plans to gain custody of her son Max. They even steal a plastic heron from the pond, an act of theft that pales in comparison to some of David’s dark deeds in the past.
But it annoys Owen who arranges for the delivery of trees for Chesney to be left in David’s driveway. And, as you know, there’s nothing more annoying than pine needles blocking your driveway, especially when it coincides with the arrival of the social worker.
This means it’s war. David lets down Owen’s tyres but fails to take the wind out of his sails because Owen tells the social worker that David takes young Max down the pub all the time.
The talk in Emmerdale (ITV1) is still all about who bashed bad boy Cain Dingle over the head and left him unconscious?
Soapland police follow their usual procedure of arresting residents one by one in the hope that they get the right one eventually.
The current best-cellers include John Barton (Cain had an affair with his wife), plus lovebirds Jai and Charity (who called off their wedding after Cain’s threats).
Vicar’s wife Laurel has other things on her mind – her husband the Rev Ashley’s reaction to her almost-affair with chef Marlon. The Rev and Mrs Rev plan to renew their vows, but you know it’ll end in tears like it always does when Aunt Doris starts (and doesn’t stop) on the sherry while watching the Queen’s Speech.
So there you have it, a fairly quiet week by Soapland standards. Just the usual attempted murder, marital betrayal and feuding neighbours before everyone gathers around the fire – that would be the B&B in Albert Square going up in flames – on Christmas Day.
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