THWACK! Cain Dingle is looking back on the village one last time before heading off into the night and a new life when THWACK! someone hits him over the head, leaving him as battered as a piece of cod in a fish shop fryer.

Soapland police have yet to establish the weapon – a dead badger stiff with rigor mortis is my hunch – but there’s no doubting that Cain is not able to get up again in Emmerdale (ITV1).

Once in hospital the doctors announce that he has a clot on the brain – despite dimwit Sam being told not to sit on his head.

Now Soapland police must uncover the culprit.

It could be a long job as practically everyone in the village has a reason for wanting him dead. Cain isn’t the most popular of residents, having offended and slept with most of them (sometimes at the same time).

Let us consider some of the suspects. How about John Barton, whose wife Moira dilly-dallied with the Dingle. As a result, the family is in ruins.

Or what about Amy, who’s recently given birth to Cain’s baby. He’d told her to get rid of it, but she didn’t, keeping her pregnancy a secret until POP! it was all out in the open. And he’s been nasty to her since the birth. The swine.

Cain’s dad Zak might have done it, to put a stop to Cain ruining other people’s lives. And how about love rival Jai? Cain has been doing his best to break up his romance with Charity, a woman Cain wants for himself.

The only thing of which we can be certain is that the butler didn’t do it. Unlike the residents of Downton Abbey, those living in Emmerdale can’t afford servants. Yusef, Walford’s answer to Abanazar, has murder in mind in EastEnders (BBC1). He has a confession for his bride and exwife Zainab – he admits he’s an arsonist. He tells her he started the fire in which she almost perished years ago.

The timing isn’t great. Yusef is preparing to re-marry Zainab and carry her off to Pakistan.

This isn’t the sort of pre-wedding news that any bride wants to hear: “Darling, sorry I tried to kill you, let’s get married”.

In another corner of Albert Square yet another marriage is in crisis in. Kat has a night on the tiles. This doesn’t please hubby, affable Alfie who’s still trying to cope with her admission that she had a onenight stand (actually, more of a quickie in the alley) the other month.

In Coronation Street (ITV1) married Peter Barlow and Carla Connor finally give in to their passion and start an affair.

They have so much in common – drink. The anniversary of the tram crash brings back bad memories and recovering alcoholic Peter reaches for the bottle. He’s lucky Carla, a lady who also likes her drink, has left him some. The big question is whether they’ll remember anything in the morning.