NO ONE called Jane is plain whether she’s Tarzan’s jungle companion, a wartime strip cartoon (with the accent on strip) or Ian Beale’s hard-done-by wife in EastEnders (BBC1).

We last saw Jane skipping merrily out of Walford having rid herself of that bag of chip fat called Ian Beale. Good riddance, she said and went off to find a new life in another part of Soapland.

So why oh why of why, Jane, are you back in Albert Square? Given the chance to get away, you should have grabbed it with both hands like a drowning man clutching a lifebelt.

So it’s difficult to have much sympathy for Jane when she arrives back at the Beale household unannounced and finds Mandy trying on a wedding dress.

Ian hasn’t wasted much time since his divorce in finding a substitute in the bedroom department, a room that Mandy knows every inch of.

Jane hasn’t missed Ian, but is longing to see her family and friends, as well as adopted son Bobby. First she has to get over the shock of finding Ian and Mandy are a twosome. Not that Jane wants to get back to together with Ian, just as Ian doesn’t want to get back together with Jane and Mandy doesn’t want Ian and Jane to get back together, full stop.

That should mean everyone is happy.

But hello, what’s that? The sound of smashing glass as Fill the Fug goes about his destructive way and breaks the window of Jane’s brother Christian’s place. Fill isn’t happy because son Ben claims Christian molested him.

Fury round the Barton house in Emmerdale (ITV1) where John has discovered that wife Moira has been having a fling with bad boy Cain. Well, he did ask.

If you say to your wife “Are you having an affair with Cain?” you risk her telling the truth (unusual, I know, in Soapland but there you have it).

John has been too busy down on the farm to bother about Moira’s needs of late so Cain has been filling in for him, so to speak. He doesn’t take news of her betrayal well – John orders her out of the family home.

Newly-returned Michelle and Ciaran are planning to get married in Coronation Street (ITV1), but don’t take bets on their making it up the aisle. Michelle tries to boost business at the knicker factory by calling on Nick-Nick Tilsley for help. Underworld is in dire straits since Carla and Frank’s bust-up, but Michelle is determined to help old pal Carla by taking charge.

She seeks the advice of Nick, who once had a hand in the business (I was going to say a hand in women’s knickers but you might get the wrong impression).

Nick has a track record in chatting up married ladies (remember Leanne?) so Ciaran had been watch out and keep an eye on Michelle or the wedding will be off.