MAD Max Branning is a man who doesn’t know how to keep it in his trousers.

There was all that business with Janine that came to a head one Christmas with a very revealing X-rated video being put on the telly instead of the Queen’s Christmas message. (“One is not amused to see one’s husband bonking someone else.”)

He’s at it again in EastEnders. He and his ex wife Tanya can’t keep their hands (and other body parts) off each other.

Any excuse and they’re ripping the clothes off each other and indulging in what Soapland observers delicately call going at it like rabbits.

It can only be a matter of time before they’re caught. But here they are sneaking round to Max’s car lot for a quickie.

Tanya books in for a full service and oil change, and Max willingly obliges, even polishing her fenders with a damp cloth.

Just as they’re getting to the interesting bit, they’re attacked by a nasty case of coitus interruptus when Greg – ie Tanya’s husband – turns up on the car lot. Tanya does the only thing possible as Max instructs her: “Quick, Tanya, hide.” In other circumstances he’d like nothing better than tanning her hide (it’s amazing what turns some people on) but this time he’s more concerned with stopping her husband finding out about their rumpy-rumpy.

So Tanya does a disappearing trick – under the desk. Only a telltale pair of tights lying by the desk give a clue to what’s been going on.

In Emmerdale (ITV1) Nikhil gives brother Jai a choice –- him or Charity.

Now there are things that Jai can do with Charity (who begins at home) that he can’t legally do with his brother, so there’s not really any doubt which one he’ll chose. Charity, meanwhile, is sacked by another Dingle, Chas, over the lock-in in the Woolpack which hasn’t pleased landlady Diane.

Over in Weatherfield, Sophie and Sian are doing their bit for charity in Coronation Street (ITV1). They want to help James with his charity work, even if it means stealing – taking money out of his internet account without telling him – from dad Kevin’s lottery winnings.

Money is also taxing Fiz, who embezzled money from a dead man whom her husband John had helped on his way. Matters get more serious for Fiz when she’s arrested for the murder of Colin Fishwick, one of her huband’s aliases.