ALBERT Square doctor Yusef Khan might well be in need of medical attention himself in EastEnders (BBC1) after winding up Masood Ahmed. The two are old rivals.

Zainab has been married to both of them, currently to Masoon although Yusef has appeared on the scene and seems intent on splitting them up.

The doc taunts Masoon by staging a scenario where it appears that he’s slept with Zainab. It’s like a red rag to a bull.

Angry Masoon fights back and is about to bash him with a car jack at the garage when Fill the Fug interrupts.

As a man who likes a good fight, he eggs on Masoon and helps him kidnap Yusef and take him to a warehouse for a spot of torture. Not subtle stuff, like subjecting him to endless reruns of My Family. No, Masoon picks up a can of petrol and begins playing with matches (remember don’t try this at home).

Masoon is flaming mad and pretty soon Yusef will be too if he can’t talk his way out of this sticky predicament.

Quick, call a doctor.

Elsewhere in Walford, there’s a wedding.

It began as a fake marriage to enable Mercy to stay in the country and has become more of a love match. On Fatboy’s part, at least. She still has reservations (for the honeymoon suite at Walford Travelodge) but says “I do” anyway.

But it’s what Fatboy’s father tells her at the wedding that really shocks her – that he was the one who shopped her to the authorities. Perhaps she’d like Fatboy Senior to join Dr Yusef in the warehouse and threaten him with a can of petrol.

There’s terrible news too for Fiz in Coronation Street (ITV1). Husband John Stape, also known as Colin Fishwick, confesses that he’s a murderer several times over. It gets worse – he kidnaps their baby and Fiz gets run over giving chase. We’ve all had days like that, haven’t we? Where nothing goes right and you wish you’d stayed in bed.

The problem for Graeme Proctor is that he did stay in bed – with Xin. She’s his fake wife (there’s a lot of them about in Soapland at the moment), whom he married so she could stay in this country.

Soapland’s immigration policy is clearly is crisis at the moment.

Now he’s cheated on girlfriend Tina with his fake wife. One of those rare occasions when sleeping with your wife is the wrong thing to do.

He wants to tell Tina everything (take my advice Graeme – don’t) but Xin doesn’t feel guilty and wants to keep him for herself. Who’d have thought Graeme would find himself in a love triangle?

Marriage is on Aaron’s mind too in Emmerdale (ITV1) . He wants boyfriend Jackson to think about a civil partnership (most partnerships in Soapland are, of course, very uncivil) before Jackson, unable to face life as a tetrapelgic, kills himself. How romantic.