HANDY Andy Sugden takes his role as Katie’s old flame too literally.

He’s so hot for his blonde ex that he spontaneously combusts and before you can say “hot stuff”, Victoria Cottage is on fire. At least, that’s one of the theories being considered by Soapland’s fire officers (nicknamed Arson About by some joker) following the inferno in Emmerdale (ITV1). House prices will tumble again, just like they did when an aircraft crashed on the village and that showhouse exploded.

Andy is the prime suspect because he’s been getting hot under the collar over Katie’s rejection of him and, if I remember, he set fire to a barn with his mother in it. There have been mystery phone calls to Katie’s cottage and someone broke into the place. Now someone’s started a fire which threatens to consume other homes in the village.

While Katie, Chas and Gennie are trapped in Victoria Cottage, Brenda and Tony are similarly stuck inside their burning home. If the fire reaches Keeper’s Cottage then dozing Betty could find flames licking round her feet like some foot fetishist.

And as for Viv Hope. Well, abandon Hope is what I say. Rumours are she’s leaving Emmerdale, so she could be exiting in a coffin not a cab.

You want cheerful? Then steer clear of Walford where the baby swap drama continues with much weeping and wailing.

Kat buries her baby, although we know it’s not her little Tommy but Ronnie’s little James.

She swapped the babies after James suffered a cot death in EastEnders (BBC1). As Tommy is buried, will Ronnie finally admit what she’s done?

The fortunes of Fill the Fugg are on the rise. He buys a share in the nightclub R&R after owner Jack Branning struggles with running a business and caring for Ronnie and their new baby James (who is actually Kat’s baby Tommy). Fill decides to ask ex-lover Glenda to be front of house. After all, Glenda’s got more front that Blackpool.

But be careful, Fill, don’t respond to her invitation to meet alone to discuss the offer.

Peter and Leanne Barlow return from their honeymoon in Coronation Street (ITV1) – or as much of a honeymoon as you can have when the bride is lusting after another man and the bridegroom is confined to a wheelchair. Back home, the bride’s sometime lover Nasty Nick Tilsley is waiting to destroy the marriage.

He gets his chance when, during physiotherapy, recovering alcoholic Peter utters the immortal words, “I couldn’t half do with a drink”.

Before you can say “cheers” Nick has unscrewed the bottle top and poured him a large one. It makes you wonder: can you be charged with being drunk in charge of a wheelchair?