CLOTHES maketh the man, just as woman maketh the bed. But in Soapland fashion comes in many shapes and sizes. Gennie’s having a lingerie party in Emmerdale (ITV1) where she hopes the locals will linger over the lingerie and she’ll rack up sales of a few double Ds. Chas decides to invite Eve along to buy some sexy items – unaware that she’ll model the underwear is to tempt Carl, the tallest man in soap, into some saucy frolicking. Carl, you must remember is Chas’ boyfriend but has been carrying on with Eve behind her back. It will end in tears, mark my words. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found love rat Carl garotted by a g-string.

Poor Chas is oblivious and too busy dealing with Alicia who foolishly makes a derogatory comment about Chas’ age by claiming she’s too old for sexy underwear.

Chas’s revenge is swift and decisive.

She locks Alicia in a cupboard and steals her clothes. It is, I fear, the opening shot in a war between the two women.

Charity gets all dolled up too. Purely in pursuit of business – not that kind (although Charity does have experience of the oldest profession) but proper business with new boss Jai. She puts on her glad rags to impress the surveyor into granting planning permission on the old barn (that’s a building not what the locals call Edna).

This doesn’t go down well with boyfriend Cain, who’s well able to look after Charity whatever she’s wearing.

She loves flirting with boss Jai, not because she wants a snog but because she sees it as a means of getting her own way.

“Who will buy?” aks Kylie Turner in Coronation Street (ITV1). She’s offering her son Max to the highest bidder. It’s a wonder she didn’t just take him along to Weatherfield’s weekly boot sale and stick a label on his forehead. Becky and Steve McDonald, desperate for a child of their own, have been babysitting while Becky’s sister Kylie has been out of the country (and out of her head on booze, I bet).

Now Kylie’s back, short of cash and wondering if the McDonalds would like to buy him for £20,000. Sounds like a bargain if she throws in club card points.

There’s a wreath on the steps of Underworld knicker factory, but who’s it for? No one has died. The wreath’s in the shape of the letter C which could be a clue as to the identity of the dead person.

Fiz’s husband John worries that someone has worked out his little secret.

The fastest rebuild in the country is unveiled in EastEnders (BBC1) as the covers are taken off the Queen Vic by new owners Kat and Alfie Moon.

An opening party is arranged – although Albert Square residents are taken aback by being asked to pay an entrance fee – but there’s a problem with the electrics. The pub must stay shut a little longer, so it’s all round to the Slater’s for a knees-up and bit of applebobbing (an old East End custom that involves humiliating Granny Smith).