WELCOME to the new second weekly episode of Soapwatch.

The story so far in Emmerdale (ITV1)... Natasha killed Mark who wasn’t really her husband because he was still married to Faye and their secret son Ryan almost slept with his half-sister Maisie and has now been framed for the murder of Mark by his half-brother Nathan, with whom he didn’t nearly sleep.

Maisie is back, weeks after fleeing the village with an acute attack of the screaming abdabs (so would you if you almost slept with your brother, your father was a bigamist, etc).

She wants to help Ryan, currently languishing in prison accused of Mark Wylde’s murder.

Nasty Nathan went to visit him in prison. His opening line on seeing his banged-up half-brother was “Sit down – if you can”.

Anyway, Maisie believes even more strongly than ever that Nathan is the killer.

Poor deluded Maisie hasn’t twigged that he and mum Natasha have framed Ryan.

She makes things worse by going to stay with Ryan’s mum, flame haired Faye.

Nathan’s so upset he almost blurts out that it was Natasha that took a shotgun to Mark.

Over in Coronation Street (ITV1), another of Soapland’s problem teens Rosie is getting ready for a night on the town with sister Sophie and her girlfriend Sian (yes – lesbianism has finally reached Weatherfield).

The terrible trio decide that if they’re going out on the booze, they’d better line their stomachs beforehand with a nice greasy fry-up.

Sausage and bacon are produced. Alas, Rosie can put on her mascara in a dark room, but can’t cook to save her life and manages to set the oven on fire.

I blame her mother, Silly Sally, for force-feeding her fish fingers as a child.

Back in Emmerdale, tearaway Amy is conning the Pollards into giving her free bed and board on the pretext that she’s a trainee nurse. In reality she’s only 15 and has run away from a foster family.

I don’t reckon Emmerdale has seen the last of her.

In Coronation Street (ITV1) Chesney has been getting romantic with K-K-KKaty.

He’s been k-k-k-kissing her on the doorstep.

Her dad Owen isn’t best pleased to discover they s-s-s-slept together and makes it quite clear that he’ll get more than a clip round the ear if he continues to have a f-f-f-fling with her.