HERE in Soapland the big news of the week is that Soapwatch is going twice-weekly (which is the number of times Ian Beale changes his pants in a week) with a second episode on Saturday in The Northern Echo’s new Weekend magazine.

There hasn’t been so much excitement in Coronation Street (ITV1) since newsagent Rita mistakenly inserted a copy of Weatherfield Readers Wives in Ken Barlow’s Guardian instead of the Wall Street Journal.

Poor Graeme will miss the Weekend launch party (the Editor is promising a bottle of cheap fizz and a packet of pork scratchings) as he’ll be in a hospital bed.

And it’s all the fault of Demonic David.

After trying to assault Tina, his exgirlfriend and now Graeme’s girlfriend, Graeme is understandably a trifle annoyed with best friend David’s behaviour.

A scuffle ensues and, before you can say “mine’s a pint of Newton and Ridley”, Graeme is outside being run down by a car that has you-know-demonic- who behind the wheel.

An accident or a deliberate act of attempted murder? You decide, although make a better job of it than Cheryl did choosing three acts to go through on The X Factor. What was she thinking about (apart from keeping the ratings up) by putting through two girls apparently a few tunes short of a songbook.

Has having malaria clouded her judgement?

The news in EastEnders (BBC1) is no better for Carol Jackson. Ah, another Jackson family that has more than its fair share of tragedy. It would never do for Carol to actually smile. After soldier son Billie’s birthday bash, the lad is found dead following a night of boozing.

More teen trouble in Emmerdale (ITV1) where Holly Barton can’t kick the habit. Her family are doing their best to get her off drugs but the silly girl goes and takes heroin. Her parents find her flat on her back – a position not unknown to Eve Jensen.

Conscientiously working her way through all the eligible males (and a few ineligible ones too) Eve has arrived at Carl King, the tallest man in soap. Eve, being shorter, is ideally placed to clean the fluff out of his belly button.

Alas, their secret affair is made public after Eve demands that Carl dumps his girlfriend, Chas. He agrees, being a chap who believes he can have his cake and eat it. So he doesn’t give Eve the old ‘eave-o. Somehow, I don’t think Chas will be quite so accommodating when she learns about his love rat shenanigans.

I’d lock up the sheep shears if I was you, Carl.

To be continued (cue duff-duffs) ... in Saturday’s Weekend magazine.