SOAPLAND is not famous for happy families. Soap relatives living in harmony are rarer than a sane person in the Big Brother house. Take camp Rovers barman Sean (go on, take him, he's standing around like a spare rib in a Chinese restaurant) in Coronation Street (ITV1). He's drifted around Weatherfield seemingly unloved by man, beast or Emily Nugent for ages.

He longs to renew his acquaintance with his dad, who bears an uncanny resemblance to one of those Auf Wiedersehen Pet builders. The one called Dennis.

Sean knows the ideal place to kiss and make up. Not the back room of Lulu's massage parlour, but a funeral. Thank you Aunt Betty for dying and reuniting a father and son who've been apart for nearly 20 years.

Well, not quite. Father Brian fails to show up at the church. Talk about being jilted at the altar. Disappointed Sean goes to confront his father at his home - if he can pluck up courage to ring the doorbell. Some I know who would let him press their bell any night of the week.

Brian doesn't recognise his son. He has to be reminded that he's not selling double glazing or a Jehovah's Witness but the fruit of his loins.

Later over a pint at the Rovers, Sean tells his dad that he's gay. Brian says he knew from an early age, ever since he caught Sean putting his Action Man and Ken, Barbie's boyfriend, in a compromising position.

Knicker factory boss Danny Baldwin gets his own knickers in a twist when girlfriend Leanne overhears him confessing his true feelings for her - and takes it as a marriage proposal. He leaves his new fiancee in charge of hiring a new machinist, so Leanne takes the opportunity to give her mother, Janice the Gob, her job back. I'd tell her it was nepotism but realise Leanne knows neither the meaning of the word or how to spell it.

Streetcars owner Steve McDonald discovers love means having to fib for your lover. He tells Ronnie that he'll say he was driving the cab so she doesn't get any more points on her licence. Imagine his surprise when the police arrive to arrest him on a hit-and-run charge.

Never mind, he has an alibi. He was in bed with Kelly at the time. The fact that she is (a) not his girlfriend and (b) someone else's girlfriend may make him reluctant to do this.

In EastEnders (BBC1), Margaret is as deceased as a Monty Python parrot which leaves Martin and estranged wife Sonia holding the baby, namely Rebecca. He's outraged when Sonia declares she intends telling their daughter the truth. This is not a good idea, unless she has a social worker and psychiatrist on hand. The conversation would run along the lines of, "Hello, I'm your mother. I didn't know I was pregnant until you popped out unexpectedly one evening. Daddy didn't want to know you, so I gave you away. Your foster parents died in a car crash. Your dad lost the title of tallest man in soap. Your grannie Pauline is a twisted old bat who married a jailbird. Me and your dad broke up after I became a lesbian. But now I've broken up with Naomi and am thinking of becoming a nun."

Rodney's election campaign in Emmerdale (ITV1) involves several donkeys. Considering his record they're about the only ones who'll vote for him.

He reckons that supporting the local donkey sanctuary will earn him a few votes. Rival Pollard sabotages the press stunt by telling reporters that Rodney's son is a transvestite and his girlfriend is a porn star. Sounds like ideal qualifications for politics to me.