Grunt groans

You know, imagining chain-smoking oldie Dot Branning walking out with young blade Deano Wicks. Or queen of the launderette Pauline Fowler cuddling up to the great unwashed Keith Miller. But the coupling that occurs in Walford next week really took our breath away - Grunt Mitchell and Jane Collins (no relation to Joan or Jackie).

The pair have been eyeing each other up since Grunt returned from Sarf America or wherever it was he was hiding. Jane, of course, is the long-suffering partner of Albert Square impresario Ian Beale, a man for whom the words grouchy and loser were invented. I never did understood what she saw in him unless she got turned on by the smell of greasy bacon in his cafe.

Last week she and Grunt locked lips in a tentative sort of way. Now they can't resist each other at the reopening of Scarlet, the nightclub that has had more makeovers than Joan Rivers. As romantic encounters go, it's more The Postman Always Rings Twice than Romeo & Juliet (Grunt and Jane as the star-crossed lovers - now that would be funny). The pair mate on the office desk in the backroom at Scarlet's. I hope nobody asks what those stains are on the blotter.

Grunt is having better luck at cementing relations than brother Fill the Fug is having at getting to know son Ben, who would be ideal casting for a remake of The Omen. He may even have 666 tattooed on his head already. Anyway, he reacts badly to Phil's present, probably because he wanted a toy truck not a submachine gun. While Grunt and Jane are deskbound, Dawn and Carly turn up for the re-opening of Scarlet in identical dresses, presumably from the bargain basement version of the House of Chanel, the House of Slapper.

Talking of loose women, Tracy Barlow's little secret is exposed in Coronation Street (ITV1). Boyfriend Charlie, the builder with the big toolbox, knows that she conned him when she demanded money to pay for an abortion. There was no baby - just an expensive pair of shoes purchased with the £300 he gave her for the procedure. Charlie's not happy to be made a fool and warns Tracy that he'll not fit that new kitchen he's been promising. She'll be lucky if she gets the benefit of his power tool for weeks.

Tracy tries to make it up to him by repaying the £300, although was it really a good thing to take the money out of daughter Amy's savings account? . The mystery of the Hillman cards deepens. Gail the hamster accuses rival Eileen of sending the missives signed by Gail's dead serial killer husband Richard.

Eileen retaliates by suggesting that Gail's sending the cards herself which can't possibly be true because everyone knows that hamsters can't write. Rosie Webster is hurt in an accident outside her school, causing boyfriend Craig to rush to her bedside. He's usually in bed beside her, so this is a new position for him.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Alice continues the old Dingle family tradition of getting married on one's deathbed. Mind you, she's looking perkier than dying Butch Dingle when he married Emily. But, as we all know, Alice doesn't have much time left and walking down the aisle with Simple Sam will be one of the last things she does. Get those tissues out now, you'll be blubbing before long.

Few will be shedding tears as Dawn the benefit swindler is put behind bars. Perhaps she'll cover her body in tattoos and turn up in an episode of Prison Break. The King brothers are at it again. The it being fighting.

Disgraced Matthew uses devious means to buy a haulage business that his brother Jimmy wants. When the other King brother, Carl, finds out, he gives Matthew a good smack-King.

But it's too late - Matthew has become the King family's main competitor.