The SSS - Soapland Social Services - are used to help children at risk. Tug-oflove youngsters are their speciality whether it's Weatherfield or Walford.

The poor loves are regularly pulled this way and that as parents squabble over who should have the children and, more importantly, the family benefit.

Take the Battersbys (and I will resist the old line about "Please, someone take the Battersbys. . .") or the Battersby-Browns as they now call themselves in Coronation Street (ITV1). They're the people who put the batter in Battersby. Throwing punches comes naturally to waster Les, his new wife Cilla the Slapper and his old wife Janice the Gob.

Quite why that adorable moppet Chesney wants to call Les 'dad' is beyond me. Perhaps all those years of being brought up - neglected more like - by Cilla have warped his judgement.

Les, adopting a new paternal outlook, wants to adopt the little lad.

Only his unfortunate manner and long list of previous convictions stand in his way. That and his exwife. Janice is not well educated in social skills. She'd knock the skin off a rice pudding at the slightest provocation.

No-one put out the bunting and organised a welcome home party when she returned to Weatherfield this week. A meeting with Les on the cobbles turns violent and the pair are soon behaving like a pair of rabid dogs. Cilla, never one to miss a social occasion, joins in to form the menage a trois of your worst nightmares.

And, lo and behold, who happens to be passing but the social worker dealing with Chesney's case. She's already wondering if letting Michael Jackson adopt him wouldn't be preferable to surrendering him to the Battersby-Browns. Unwelcome news too for Gail the hamster who gets a birthday card from her dead serial killer husband Richard Hillman. He used to forget when he was alive, so she's shocked he remembers now he's dead. Or is he? Speculation is rife on the Street once news of Gail's messages from the grave becomes common knowledge. Suspects include her violent ex Phil the Footman and Eileen Grimshaw with her history of antagonism towards hamsters.

Those seeking peace and quiet in Weatherfield Cemetery are out of luck as Mike Baldwin's funeral is taking place. This makes the Les/Cilla/Janice punch-up look like a peace rally. Jamie is furious that dad Danny's lover and his own ex-lover Leanne (who likes to keep it in the family) is at the funeral. Adam is furious that Danny stands to inherit the family knicker business Underworld. Or maybe he's upset that he's the only one of the Baldwins with whom Leanne hasn't slept. Yet. Another reappearance at the graveside shocks Audrey - undertaker Archie. They enjoyed many a saucy moment involving coffins and embalming fluid before calling it a day. Archie's return, looking after Mike's funeral, sends Audrey into a tizzy which at her age could be fatal.

Kids are worrying Walford folk too in EastEnders (BBC1). Ben is found and has a cosy chat with his dad Fill the Fug. Jane discusses her boyfriend Ian Beale with Fill's brother Grunt, who's a changed man since his return from Brazil where the nuts come from. He plays agony aunt and listens to Jane's worries about Ian and Fill.

Grunt's treatment includes snogging Jane which is alarming enough. Even more worrying is that she responds.

Ben's found by Dr Oliver Cousins who asks Little Mo out for a date. His treatment includes snogging Little Mo (it must be catching) so subeditors everywhere can pen the headline Kissing Cousins.

A quiet week in Emmerdale (ITV1) with only a fire (at the vicarage, Debbie trapped), sex in a van (Eric Pollard and Val Lambert), vehicle runs out of control into the village Easter fete) and a fatal illness (Alice, she's not getting better).