HOW ironic that Christian was enlisted to help put together the bed that the Masoons purchased for newlywed son Syed and his bride Amira. They might as well return it to the shop – it’s not going to get much use.

The honeymoon is over in EastEnders (BBC1) as Syed and Amira return to Albert Square to begin married life. If truth be told, they haven’t actually started as they haven’t done the dirty deed.

Their marriage is unconsummated which Amira always thought was clear soup.

The problem – and you have to admit it’s quite a problem – is that Syed is on the other bus. He’s gay.

As Christian knows because they’ve been lovers. Now Syed has put Christian behind him (should I rephrase that in the circumstances?) and caught a number 62, except he hasn’t rung Amira’s bell yet.

She, understandably, is feeling neglected and a disaster behind the bar at the Queen Vic doesn’t help matters. She has an accident with a beer barrel leaving her in damp, clingy clothes.

This gives her an idea to make Syed sit up and take notice in the bedroom – a spot of wet T-shirt action.

She turns up at the Masala Queen hoping to put some spice in their relationship with sexy undies. Syed isn’t impressed. He tells her to put her coat on or she’ll catch cold. The poor girl is so upset that she starts snogging Walford newcomer Danny Mitchell, the brother that Ronnie and Roxy never knew they had.

There’s more. Mother-in-law Zainab, who knows her son is gay but thinks it’s a passing fad, discovers that Amira hasn’t been sleeping in the bed they bought the couple but on the sofa.

Things aren’t much better round at the Joinery, the ridiculously named new wine bar – more like whine bar, once Weatherfield’s finest start moaning – opened by Peter Barlow and Leanne Battersby in Coronation Street (ITV1).

You can just hear Ken Barlow saying “I told you so”. Hasn’t he been warning for months that having a recovering alcoholic run an establishment selling booze is a recipe for disaster. And indeed, son Peter falls off the wagon and into a drunken stupor.

I blame his old navy chum Ciaran, whom he and Leanne invite to join them at the Joinery as the chef. What better reason to celebrate – or hold a “hard hat party” as Leanne calls it. She breaks out the champagne and Peter, smelling booze, breaks out in a cold sweat.

The next day at his support group he owns up to his relapse but that’s cold comfort for Leanne who fears their wine bar is doomed. If Peter doesn’t watch out, someone will be trying to take son Simon away on the grounds that he’s an unfit (and drunken) dad. He shouldn’t look to Carl King in Emmerdale (ITV1) for advice – this is a man who killed his own father in a Christmas Day defenestration. Now he’s been landed with looking after the kids from his failed marriage and he’s not doing a very good job paternally speaking. While his partner Chas tries to make the pair, Thomas and Anya, feel at home, Carl does everything he can to avoid spending time with them.

Like Carl, the other Emmerdale children aren’t behaving badly.

Hannah Barton is dismayed to discover she’s been betrayed by friend Victoria Sugden who’s been conspiring with horrid Kayleigh to send nasty text messages to Hannah.

Never mind, Hannah gets her revenge by flushing Victoria’s head down the loo in the Woolpack. I much prefer Head and Shoulders to wash my hair to smelly old loo water.