CARLA is back and, although she’s wandering around Weatherfield cemetery, she’s very much alive and kicking off in Coronation Street (ITV1). She’s come back from LA after hearing her estranged, not to say strange, husband Tony – affectionately nicknamed the Cobbles Killer by the Soapland press – is playing daddy to her dead lover Big Liam’s son, Little Liam, with his new fiancee and Big Liam’s merry widow Maria.

Having arranged for Big Liam to die in a hit-and-run accident, Tony is now planning to marry Maria.

Carla, who knows Tony’s secret, tells him to sign over his shares in the Underworld factory and then disappear. Otherwise she’ll tell Maria about his deadly deed in getting rid of Big Liam.

A situation that has grave repercussions as Tony orders his regular hit man, whom he calls like other people phone for takeaway, to dispose of Carla while he’s attending Little Liam’s christening. How heartless is that?

More trouble at Underworld as factory owner Luke-No-Hands Strong does a runner. He sells his shares to young Rosie who hands over £90,000 in used fivers after Luke says he doesn’t want a hand in knickers any more.

The truth dawns on dim Rosie when she goes round to his flat where she discovers a goodbye note and the fact that he didn’t have any shares (although he now has her money). Rosie, you’ve been robbed.

It’s not so much baby talk as baby screaming in EastEnders (BBC1) as Big Hev – she ain’t Hevy, she’s my mother – gives birth noisily. There are complications.

Her waters break and Pam has to hotwire the ice cream van to take her to hospital. Those seeking a Mr Whippy or a 99 may want to look away at this point.

The baby is born and, despite expectations, is a boy not a girl as anticipated. You’d think doctors would know how to tell the difference by now. Hev names her son George Michael, after her favourite singer or perhaps because she’d had an encounter on Hampstead Heath.

Now we all want to know who’s the daddy? Who did the dirty deed with Hev at the nightclub. Could it be Minty? Or Silly Billy or Fill the Fug? Or even young Darren.

I hope it’s not the last one because he proposes to Libby, worried she might forget him or cop off with someone else while at uni.

Also behaving badly are Peggy and Pam who, determined to prove that blondes have more fun, guzzle the vodka and ice cream in the van. Their fun could take a turn for the worse if they dip their noses into Shirley’s secret stash of white stuff. And I don’t mean salt or sugar.

It’s a stash that causes Fill the Fug to punch Jack the Lad the drug dealer. He doesn’t like the excopper taking advantage of poor Shirley. Or bedding the Mitchell girls Ronnie, Roxie and now Perma-tan Sam.

Charity-Begins-At-Home Tate is getting cosy with former love Cain- And-Able Dingle in Emmerdale (ITV1).

The pair have been circling each other ever since Charity turned up in the village again. Cain knows exactly what she wants – money.

Loadsamoney.

He offers her £20,000 to get lost and stop being a bad influence on their daughter Debbie. Cain, of course, is a model father who cheats, robs and steals for a living