RULE number one of living in Soapland – don’t tell lies, because you’ll always get found out.

If only these characters stuck to the rules, although if they did, we probably wouldn’t have many plotlines.

Over on Eastenders (BBC), there’s a few top porkie pie-tellers. Ronnie, for trying to con Jack into fatherhood; Lucas, for juggling wife-to-be Denise with current wife Trina; and even Manda, the Ugly Betty-lookalike apple of Minty’s eye, who just won’t reveal the real reason she doesn’t want to get romantic with him (I could think of a few.) But for the minute, let’s look at Christian, who is, incidentally, caught up with Syed, who is lying to Amira about the illicit kiss they shared. Christian has told a big fat porkie pie to Ian about what happened to his beloved café – ‘chip pan fire’ allegedly. Now that’s original. The fact that Nick Cotton’s siege was witnessed by the entire population means it won’t be long until Ian finds out the truth.

However, this week marks the re-birth of the café, as Ian dresses up as Willy Wonka for the grand re-launch, proving it is possible for Walford’s biggest plonker to look even more ridiculous. His idea to offer a free lunch as a ‘Golden Ticket’ seems to be pulling in the punters, but does go a bit belly-up when the ticket is found by Phil, who duly invites half the square for free food, including Big ‘Ev, who looks like she enjoys a meal or several.

Speaking of liars, they don’t come much bigger than Tony on Coronation Street (ITV). Not only has he bumped off love rival Liam, he’s now moved in with his widow to care for her in the later stages of her pregnancy. This week he delivers her baby when they’re stranded on a beach miles from anywhere with no mobile phone signal. Has this man got a hint of conscience or remorse? His resolve is tested to the max when Maria hands him her new-born son, and says she plans to call him Liam, in memory of her dearly departed. Is that a hint of emotion we see on Tony’s face? I’d guess it’s more likely to be trapped wind or something, as this guy is now convinced he’s well and truly in the clear.

Hmmm, don’t be so sure Tony - this is Soapland, you should know the rules, and you are living on borrowed time. My guess is it’ll be around Christmas time, I’m fairly positive they can string it out until then. More liars in the form of Kevin and Molly, who are now enjoying a full-blown affair between respective spouses Sally and Tyrone’s backs. Molly is now inviting Kevin over for a bit of horseplay when poor Tyrone’s out.

I know soap plots are sometimes a bit ridiculous – take Fizz chaining herself to the railings outside the prison, for example, that really got on my nerves – but this is just mental.

Where has this come from? I mean, a couple of weeks ago newlyweds Molly and Tyrone were love’s young dream – now she’s cheating on him with his wet fish boss, who has, unbelievably, already had more than his fair share of decent looking women behind Sally’s back.

Then in Emmerdale (ITV), the secret Mark Wilde has kept hidden for 20-odd years – that’s he’s not actually called Mark Wilde and has another wife and kid hidden away – has now surfaced.

Surprising, that. Needless to say unsuspecting wife, Natasha, with who he has three more children, is not impressed by his doubledealing, and tells him they have no future. Will Mark go back to Faye and his son, who I can only refer to as John Paul from Hollyoaks, as surely that’s all he’ll ever be known as.

And elsewhere in the village, Andy, getting more insane by the day, now tries to kill himself by jumping off some bales of hay.

Hmmm….what was I saying about utterly ridiculous soap plots?