MAD Max and Tempting Tanya are together again in EastEnders (BBC1) but there’s a hitch as they’re about to do the dirty deed together. They don’t have protection, and I don’t mean guard rails on the bed.

So Max nips out to pick up a p-pp- packet of prophylactics at the local shops. That’s when he encounters a dishevelled blonde with blisters and cuts on her feet.

It’s Stacey Slater, back in the Square after a month’s absence.

Her reappearance proves a far more effective contraceptive than condoms. Hearing that she’s back, Tanya goes off the idea of sleeping with Max.

As for Stacey, she has a few health issues. She has bipolar disorder (which has nothing to do with sexually confused bears and is, of course, nothing to joke about I add to prevent anyone writing to the Editor to complain of my levity). Luckily, she has mum Jean to look after her. She has the same problem so knows all about coping with mood swings and can help her daughter through the difficult times ahead.

Stacey’s mood is brightened when estranged husband Bradley asks her out for a drink. Perhaps her new blonde look with entice him back into her life. Her joy is short-lived – he tells her he wants a divorce.

Another Walford blonde, Ronnie Mitchell, has no need of contraception as she’s determined to get pregnant by lover Jack. He’s never had it so good, or so often.

Little does he know about the real reason for Ronnie’s super-charged sex drive, as she’s omitted to inform him of her plans to have a baby. More snogging round at Masala Queen where gay Christian soldiers on despite being told by boss Zainab Masood to keep mum about his homosexuality in front of clients. It comes as he’s having a bad week. Everyone forgets his birthday (and I thought everyone knew the date of the Queen’s birthday) and his chum rebuffs his amorous advances.

Then he has a few words about gayness with Syed Masoon that ends with the Muslim chap planting a kiss on Christian’s lips.

His mum won’t be happy when she finds out.

In Coronation Street (ITV1), Randy Rosie Webster visits her kidnapper John in jail. She wants to give him a piece of her mind (something she can ill afford to give away) but ends up getting £150,000 from her captor, the proceeds of the sale of his grandmother’s house (granny is dead, don’t worry about where she’s going to live).

Dad Kevin’s all for returning this blood money, but mum, Silly Sally, reckons they could all go on a cruise with the loot. Perhaps not so silly after all. Little does she know that Kevin’s fitness sessions with married Molly are getting more intimate and involving more than bench press-ups. Good golly Mrs Molly, do you realise what you’re getting into?

Faye Lamb plays her Wylde card in Emmerdale (ITV1) as she introduces sort-of-husband Mark to the son he never knew he had (one of many wandering the streets of Soapland, it would appear). Not that she wants son Ryan to know but is happy to let him think Mark is her new boyfriend.

One of the Wylde boys, Nathan, thinks the way to a girl’s heart and into her pants is through her stomach. He lays on a big spread – a nice outdoor buffet – in the hope that Kate will lay on his big spread.