WHEN someone is called Nasty Nick, you know they’re not overflowing with the milk of human kindness. There’s a name for people like him but I can’t use it in a family newspaper.

In EastEnders (BBC1) Not-Very-Nice Nick shows up again in Albert Square to see his mother Dot. He begs for access to his daughter, Dotty.

What grannie Dot doesn’t know is that young Dotty is a chip off the old block. She’s a bad ‘un, in cahoots with her dad to do the dirty on poor old Dot. Their aim is simple – to drive her to her grave and enjoy spending her new-found fortune.

Nick even shows what a good boy he is by handing back the money that his mother gave him as payment for custody of Dotty.

It’s not going to be difficult to convince Dot that she’s losing her marbles as looking after young Dotty is taking its toll. Nick has the answer – why doesn’t he move in and help look after them both.

Look out Dot, he’s behind you and he wants your pension book.

Children – who’d have ‘em? Roxy Mitchell has baby Amy but now faces fighting lover Jack over the infant. A letter from his solicitor is proof that he wants custody.

Roxie doesn’t want to do anything to cause sister Ronnie further distress after finding and then losing her daughter, Danielle, on the same day, so tries to keep Jack away. Whatever she does is wrong. Mad Max gets mad again when he sees Roxie and Jack together (even if they are arguing) and the pair fight it out on the floor of the Rovers.

Over in Soapland Hospital we find Terrible Tony playing at being dad to Maria’s unborn baby in Coronation Street (ITV1). This is a bizarre turn of events as he was behind the hit-and-run murder of her husband, Lovely Liam. Now he’s holding the widow’s hand as she has a scan. It’s all too much for the killer as he realises he’s deprived the unborn baby of his father.

Even more unlikely is factory worker Julie pulling Jason, the builder who’s thicker than the two short planks he carries on the job.

It’s all down to drink, of course. He has too much and has a drunken fumble with gagging-for-it Julie.

We can only hope that brewer’s droop strikes, rendering him incapable of consummating this unsuitable relationship.

If the thought of Julie running her hands all over Jason’s toned body isn’t upsetting enough, there’s Dev’s naked photo shoot. Is he about to make a guest appearance in Readers’ Wives, I wonder, as Mr Chicken Tikka Masala 2009?

It’s all part of scorned lover Tara’s revenge plot. She arranges a photo shoot to celebrate their relationship and then tricks him into stripping off for nude photos.

Over in Emmerdale (ITV1), there’s a spanner in the works for mechanic Daz when the hot gossip in the village is that young Victoria Sugden lost her virginity to him. How careless of her.

It all comes to light when he catches her in bed with new boyfriend Aaron (this girl moves quickly, you have to give her that) and tries to drag her latest lover from the house. Daz’s girlfriend, Scarlett, is not best pleased by this turn of events, as you can imagine.

I blame the Emmerdale adults.

They’re hardly setting a good example. Pub landlady Diane Sugden is recently widowed, but already playing tonsil tennis with Douglas Potts. Need I add that drink is the cause of this particular snog too.

Diane’s trying to cheer herself up and getting in a passionate clinch with her new lodger is her way of doing it. Well, she did promise him bed and bawd.