I GAZE into my crystal ball, tune into Soapland and see clouds of smoke. I see a fire.

I see Victoria Sugden, arsonist. I see Flat Cap Jack having to remove his headgear because it's hotter than hell. I see the 35th anniversary episode of Emmerdale (ITV1) but that's as much as I'm revealing. We have a wedding to get through first and we all know that Soapland brides are apt to say "I don't" rather than "I do".

Kelly and Jimmy's big day is fast approaching. Quicker than the bride doing a quick exit the wrong way up the aisle. The omens aren't good for this marriage. Jimmy's a fool in love and Kelly is, you suspect, only tying the knot because she's run out of people to sleep with.

If I say that her dream wedding turns into a nightmare, you won't be surprised. For Kelly has a secret. She once snogged Eli Dingle, which is akin to wrapping your lips round a mouldy sausage. No wonder she's a blushing bride. The day is rather spoiled when Jimmy, one third of the King brothers, sees the incriminating pictures just before proceeding down the aisle. It's all the fault of a Scarlett woman - young Scarlett, annoyed that Kelly cheated on her half-brother.

It's left to Carl, the tallest man in soap, to break the news. He's one to talk, considering he's a murderer, the chap who defenestrated his father on his wedding day. What is it with the Kings and wedding days? Nothing seems to go right.

Paddy the vet's cousin, copper Kirk Ross, appears in the village. Hello, hello, hello, what's going on 'ere, then?, he wonders. When his chat-up line fails to work on vet's receptionist Chas, he make a beeline for fellow copper Donna, unaware that she's a married woman. Unlike, I suspect, Kelly at the end of the day.

Another murderous child is causing trouble in EastEnders (BBC1) where Steven Beale is holding his father, chip shop entrepreneur Ian, prisoner in a derelict flat. He has a gun, which is never a good sign, and a wall plastered with photos of his dead mother Cindy. She's one of Ian's ex-wives.

Jane, the poor woman currently filling the other side of Ian's bed, investigates like some Walford Miss Marple. She's suspicous of Steven after he tried to kiss her. Snogging your stepmother is not regarded highly, even in Albert Square where the families make the backwoodsmen in Deliverance look like gentry.

Jane confronts Steven, he produces the gun, siblings Peter and Lucy join the fray, a shot rings out. Far more alarming is the sight of Ian Beale - he's grown a beard.

Vince, a Bobby Davro lookalike, accidentally knocks down Shirley Carter. Unsurprisingly, the car suffers more damage than her but she aims to cash in on the accident. For the time being, she has to go to court for the trial of son Dim Deano and Foxy Chelsea Fox. They're not speaking to each other after Deano tried to do a runner and leave Foxy Chelsea to carry the can (but not the can of petrol that Emmerdale's Victoria is lugging about).

Cilla Battersby-Brown, whose morals are looser than a tart's knicker elastic, deserts son Chesney yet again in Coronation Street (ITV1). How many times can she leave him without scarring him for life? He promises he'll be fine without her. Sensible lad, that Chesney.

He knows Cilla is never going to win a Mother of the Year competition. Cilla flogs the necklace that her late employer gave her and plans to spend the proceeds in Las Vegas.

Trouble at the kebab shop after Jerry, a man who looks like he eats most of the food on sale in his establishment, sells his daughter Jodie to Lloyd. Well, not exactly sells - he just offers him money to take her out. He feels guilty that he stopped her going on a date. Besides, he wants to get rid of her so he can eat all the kebabs himself.