Thrown out

Not the one that looks like Michael Caine but an equally hard-edged character, Shirley Carter, a lady not to be messed with. Her landlord should know better than to ask the barmaid to pay her rent with sex in a bed-and-bawd arrangement. He must think his luck is in when she says she'll sleep with him.

Surely surly Shirley won't do it, I hear you thinking. She has a cunning plan up her sleeve. She gets Norman the naughty landlord to strip off in preparation for rumpy-pumpy and promptly throws his clothes out of the window.

Alas, it can only end in tears.

Shirley is made homeless, but could jump into Deano's bed. It's empty as he's done a runner. The cowardy custard is afraid that sleazy Sean Slater is after his blood. How right he is. Having spent time at Her Majesty's pleasure, Sean wants revenge on Deano and Chelsea, the pair who framed him.

Sean is willing to stoop to anything to find out where Deano is hiding. He reckons Deano's gone to stay with Carly and that her best friend Dawn will know her address. But how to make her give him the information?

Why, steal her baby and threaten to harm the tot, of course. Surely sleazy Sean shan't, sorry won't, do that.

Jane is worried because husband, chip shop entrepreneur Ian Beale, has gone missing. Most people would put up the flags and organise a party if they heard that news but not Jane.

Never mind, she has company. Ian's long-lost son Steven is back in Walford and I wouldn't mind betting his reappearance has something to do with Ian's disappearance. Twins Peter and Lucy are pleased to see Steven and so is Jane when he helps out with babysitting and in the cafe.

She forgets that Steven's responsible for the Cindy texts. And when he sends one to Jane purporting to come from Ian, you have to question his motives (as well as his spelling).

The big news in Weathefield is that Liam kisses Carla in Coronation Street (ITV1). She's his dead brother's widow. Not long dead either, just three months. One minute he's reprimanding her for hooking up with a new boyfriend so soon after Paul's death, the next he's snogging her face off.

When she pushes him away, Liam does the only thing possible - he goes off and snogs the face off Maria because, to be honest, she serves no other plot purpose than to have her face snogged off.

Becky springs to the defence of Hayley and loses her temper with Christian. This is the poor lad whose father, Harold, is now a woman called Hayley whom he thought was his aunt and that his father, who was still Harold and not Hayley, was dead.

Now he learns - keep up at the back - that his father has had his bits chopped off and is married to Roy who, as far as we know, still has all his bits and thought Hayley/Harold was a virgin when they wed.

Things are simpler round at the Platts. Demonic David, having fed little Bethany an Ecstasy tablet, is not welcome. Worse still, he discovers he's not being invited to Sarah and Jason's wedding. Expect a replay of Sleeping Beauty when the bad fairy who wasn't asked to the christening had Beauty prick her finger on a spinning wheel and sleep for 100 years (watching The ONE Show has the same effect on me).

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Val discovers that sister Diane is moping around over a man who is not her husband, Flat Cap Jack. He drags Diane back from Margate (for which she should be eternally grateful), only for her to confess all to blabbermouth Val.

She's less than pleased to learn that Diane is lusting after jailbird Billy Hopwood, the very same chap that Val fancies. Val visits Silly Billy in prison and returns to tell Diane that he asked her to marry him. But she's willing to share him - Diane can sleep with him when Val is busy behind the bar.