NOW, I know soap characters aren't real. And if they were realistic, we wouldn't watch. But come on. Hayley Cropper is taking the mick. Since Hayley joined in 1998, she has come out as a transsexual, had a sex change, and been sacked because of it.

She's abducted a boy, been sent to prison, and discovered her husband got another woman pregnant. Except, as it turned out, he didn't.

Despite that, she paid £25,000 for a baby, watched her husband marry someone else, and then lost her baby. I mean, come on. If she ever went on This Is Your Life, she'd need a six-part series. And a Christmas special.

And now, it gets even better. She has a son - despite having no reproductive organs.

This week in Coronation Street (ITV1), Hayley tells Christian the truth about her frankly absurd life. And guess what? Christian isn't too happy to hear his Dad has come out as a transsexual, had a sex change, been sacked because of it, abducted a boy...

Christian belies his name and refuses to turn the other cheek. He whacks poor Harold.

Speaking of eventful, little David Platt's diaries won't be blank, will they? Poor Gail has booted him out. Bit harsh if you ask me: he only let his seven-year-old niece have ecstasy. I reckon Gail's overreacting.

Incredibly, Gail worries about her punishment. What does David have to do before he's booted out? Next he'll be cutting up lines of cocaine for Bethany on the lid of her lunchbox.

Elsewhere, Fiz decided to spend her birthday by going with the Websters to the cinema. Frankly, I'd rather have a picnic with David Platt.

In EastEnders (BBC1), drippy Ian Beale disappears, leaving Jane at her wit's end. You think she'd be pleased.

Jase and Roxy's relationship gathers pace - until Jay steals her engagement ring. Phil also isn't best pleased with her. She frightened little Ben, although that boy always looks worried to me. Probably because he has Phil for a dad.

Bradley and Stacey's wedding looks set to be a disaster, but then you could have guessed that. Bradders asks his Dad to be best man, which worries Stacey, and also worries me. It means this interminable storyline will continue.

Elsewhere, Shirley sleeps with Norman the landlord to keep her room.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Zak is learning being a bare-knuckle fighter isn't easy. Really? I would have thought scrapping with another man until one is knocked out would be easy. He and Lisa are increasingly keen to keep Belle at her exclusive school.

Sam thinks Debbie will have the cash, but she's brass, so they ask Kelly instead. Mrs De Souza's identity is finally revealed: Paul and Rodney are horrified to find it's Nicola.

It gets even more shocking when Carl tells his brothers he's bumped off his Dad. Jimmy and Matthew set about keeping him out of jail - but may be forced to rethink.

The last time I watched Neighbours (BBC1), Sky was in prison. The time before that, she was going out with Boyd, and I could have sworn that was only six months ago.

Anyway, now Boyd - who is a doctor, despite being 15 - warns a patient to stay away from Sky. The other doctor in Australia, Karl, is shocked by his dad's declining health. When there's only two doctors in the country, it's no surprise he's poorly.