THERE are several ways of calling a taxi. You can ring and order one, or you can flag one down by the roadside.

Do not under any circumstances follow Kevin Wicks' example and try to get a cab to stop by lying down in the road in front of it.

This is liable to (a) make the driver angry, (b) make any passengers angry and (c) end with you being run over by the vehicle.

Kevin's excuse is that the Wicks family is in crisis. Again. In EastEnders (BBC1), his son Deano is terrified of going to jail for attempting to frame sleazy Sean Slater. He's a bit of a butterfingers with the soap and and knows that picking it up from the floor in a prison shower holds many dangers, the least of which is slipping over.

So he's determined to remain free whatever it takes. Parents Kevin and Shirley urge him to do the right thing - a runner. Having rescued him from a beating from sleazy Sean, Kevin decides to escort him out of town. Never mind that it could ruin his relationship with wife Denise.

By the time Kevin has changed his mind and decided to stay in Albert Square, a furious Denise and daughters Chelsea and Libby have packed their bags and announced their intention of leaving.

All this toing and froing is making me giddy. Denise is adamant. When Kevin lies in front of the taxi, she simply instructs the driver to run over him. The poor cabbie just lets them get on with it. Round at the chippie, Ian Beale is still trying to work out who's stalking him. The chip shop entrepreneur is tormented by strange happenings - the heads of the flowers his son used in his school project are cut off, Ian pricks his finger on a red rose that's mysteriously appeared in his pocket, and a car nearly runs him down in the street.

Even Ian, who's thicker than the old chip oil lurking the bottom of the fryer, realises all is not right when a coffin appears in this garden. You can make your own jokes about grave concerns.

He follows the clues and ends up at a block of derelict flats where he learns the identity of his tormentor. It's .... aargh.

This column has said persistently that young Ben, son of Fill the Fug, has been scarred for life by recent events (mother killed in car crash, father an alcholic, prospective stepmother a child abuser). So Fill the Fug shouldn't be too surprised to find a pair of ladies knickers in Ben's pocket. Excuses that he didn't have any clean hankies so was improvising don't cut the mustard.

Fill the Fug wants to know what Ben's been doing with ladies' underwear. Has he been wearing them, perhaps? Or sniffing them? Or does he just want a reminder of their owner Roxy? Another soap child in trouble is Bethany in Coronation Street (ITV1). She's poorly after wicked uncle Demonic David plants an ecstasy tablet inside her doll. The child finds it and eats it thinking it's a sweet.

Mother Sarah isn't going to be pleased when she discovers the truth. David will find out the agony not the ecstasy. Jack and Vera's grandson Paul is another mischief maker. He's the apple of their eye, little knowing that he may be rotten to the core. So Tyrone decides to prove that Paul is no saint.

Paul and Grayson get too close for comfort in Emmerdale (ITV1). Paul may have got engaged to Jonny-Come-Lately but he's what-a-Gray-day's bosom pal and confidante. He's been asked to keep a close eye on Gray by his wife Perdy, who's taking a break after her mother-in-law's attempt to send her crazy.

I don't think she meant the pair should end up snogging on the sofa, but Gray puckers up to Paul and asks him to stay the night. I don't think separate beds are involved.

Paul does the decent thing (although he suspects the indecent thing might be more enjoyable) and rejects the offer, although it's clear he's wrestling with his conscience but would much rather be wrestling with Gray.