Raise your glasses, but not your skirts, in a toast to the newest engaged couple on Emmerdale (ITV1) - Paul and Jonny-Come-Lately.

Yes, they're both men. Zoe the lesbian vet may have departed the Dales for pastures and pleasures new, but the love that dare not speak its name is being kept alive by barman Paul and farrier Jonny-Come-Lately.

The pair are out in the field when Jonny goes down on one knee in front of Paul. There could be several reasons for this, at least one of which can't be discussed in a family newspaper.

But he hasn't tripped over a cowpat. His intentions are honourable. He produces a ring (probably ripped from a bull's nose) and asks Paul to marry him.

Or as Danny said to Sandy: "You're the one that I want, ooo-ooo-ooo". And you can't say farrier than that.

Paul's growing friendship with Grayson, the bisexual Oh-what-a-Gray-day resident, is put aside as he and Jonny-Come-Lately plight their troth at the Woolpack.

But 'allo 'allo, who's just walked through the door? Why, it's Patricia Foster, Jonny-Come-Lately's mum. A Foster mother, you might say. She wants to offer the happy couple her congratulations and a cash prize, but has reckoned without Paul's mother, Vicious Val. The two mums take an instant dislike to each other as they try to compete to be the best mothers in the world.

Val's sister, Diane Sugden, has been trying to restrain herself from snogging Billy-No-Mates. Alas, she finds herself in a dilemma when he gives her one. A kiss, that is, and tells her she'll have to choose between her husband Flat Cap Jack or him. This is like having to choose between a trip on the Titanic or the Hindenburg.

The matter, as well as Billy, is taken out of her hands when he steals a car to follow her to Brighton where she's gone to clear her head.

If you think matters are strange in Emmerdale, wait until you see what's happening in Coronation Street (ITV1) where Hayley, of Roy's Rolls fame, discovers she's a mother.

This is confusing for all of us because Hayley was Harold before a trip to Amsterdam for gender realignment. So she didn't give birth to the son she never knew she had (if she had, chances are she would have noticed her waters breaking) but she, sorry he, did father him.

Her secret is revealed in letters she finds after aunt Monica's funeral. Hayley can't believe she has a son and neither, to be honest, can anyone else in Soapland. Now her/his son is coming looking for her/him. But will the poor lad call Hayley mum or dad, or just mad?

And will Ashley Peacock choose wife Claire or mistress Casey? Both their names begin with C so he won't have to change the monogrammed towels, whatever his decision.

When he opts for Claire, Casey doesn't take it lying down - the position she usually adopts to get Ashley to do what she wants. I wouldn't be surprised to find out she's got a bunny boiling away on her stove.

Deano Wicks is knocked senseless in EastEnders (BBC1), a difficult thing to do when he doesn't have much sense to begin with. That'll teach him and stepsister Chelsea to frame Sleazy Sean for bashing mini-market man Patrick over the head.

From his prison cell, Sleazy Sean sets a couple of thugs on Deano. Then Chelsea gets mugged and the CCTV video that could clear Sean is stolen.

There may be no way out of trouble for Deano - although he could take a leaf out of Jonny-Come-Lately's book and ask Sleazy Sean to marry him.