WELL now, here's a rather large claim. "Trust us," say the co-authors of this guide to non-mega tourist attractions. "We've never been disappointed."
What? Clarks Shoe Museum (Street, Somerset) proved a perfect fit? The Witchcraft Museum (Boscastle, Cornwall) cast a binding spell? And the National Gas Museum (Leicester) is a knock-out? Absolutely, the intrepid authors would reply.
Nor did the Partick Thistle Stadium Tour induce a desire to be at Old Trafford.
The Yelverton Paperweight Centre (Devon) refused to go down like a lead, er, paperweight. And Fitzpatrick's Temperance Bar, a historic teetotal pub at Rawtenstall, Lancashire, came as an uplifting tonic.
"We were blissfully lost for a few months in the sheer blimeyness of life," say Halstead & Co of their offbeat tourist trail. But they'd enjoyed this experience before.
In 2004, their Bollocks to Alton Towers profiled 40 underdogs of British tourism.
This follow-up showcases a further 45 generally micro attractions. Defined in the sub-title as "more uncommonly British days out, most are specialist collections, ranging from fans (Crooms Hill, London), to bubblecars (Cranwell, Lincs).
A little different is our northern flag waver - the Forbidden Corner, near Leyburn- maze, grotto and garden, all fused into a modern folly, baited with bizarre, sometimes grotesque tricks. Such an instant success that local roads were clogged until pre-booking was introduced, it perhaps gains entrance here on slightly false pretences.
But its sheer quirkiness, even cussedness - "silly, scenic and stylish'' all in one, as the authors note _ rightly gain it a place. "When you eventually emerge, panting, damp and wonky of head, you'll feel like you've been on a mental and physical workout," report the authors. "A network of these follies across the country would make a fun alternative to the soul-destroying experience of watching banks of silent television screens from a gym treadmill."
Evocative of pre-war guidebooks, Far From The Sodding Crowd is a joyous celebration of individualism in an increasingly homogenised world.
OK, it is very easy to be bored with salt (museum at Northwich, Cheshire), cuckoo clocks (collection at Tabley, also in Cheshire), and even (unless you're eating them) pork pies, focus of a Pilgrimage around Melton Mowbray. "Try to see the good in it," sagely advise the authors.
"Most of the places we recommend don't work unless you can find some reserves of childish glee, and summon up a child's openness to new experience. . . We're delighted to report that we've included every attraction we've visited. There was something inspirational and tremendous in all of them."
Hurrah. But have they drained this wonderful well quite dry yet? Whitby's Jet Works, Cornwall's Wheal Jane Clay Museum (far more worthwhile than the nearby Eden Project) and a museum of printing at Cockermouth come to this reviewer's mind. Maybe they are already proudly present in Bollocks, which I must rush out and buy.
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