SILENCE in court, otherwise you might miss finding out who killed Tom King, the king of Kings, on Christmas Day.
Clues have been gathered like the harvest and suspects rounded up like a herd of cows. Now for the denouement, which is French for whodunit.
Was it Betty in the kitchen with a frozen halibut? Or the Rev Ashley in the vicarage with a rolled-up copy of the Church Times? Or perhaps Flat Cap Jack just bored him to death.
The trial is only part of an exceptionally busy time in Emmerdale (ITV1). Soapland hasn't seen anything like it since Minnie Caldwell's pussy got caught in Ena Sharples' hairnet. Loopy Louise panics on learning that Terry, one of her many amorous conquests, will miss the trial and her giving the performance of her life on the stand. Happily, she has the planning of her engagement party to vet Hari Kari to take her mind off lying in court.
Trust fellow vet Paddy to put his foot in it by mentioning financial irregularities. Before you can say Highway Code, Louise's life hangs in the balance after a horrific car crash. Didn't she end up in a ditch with the Rev Ashley not that long ago? It happens after a vicious fight with Hari Kari that leaves Louise, blood streaming from her head, jumping into a car and speeding off. After the accident, Louise is left lying unconscious in a hospital bed, with Hari Kari by her side and ready to pull the plug if she comes round.
Residents have the pageant to take their minds off murder trials, car crashes and that incident behind the Post Office involving the sheep. Little does opera star Katherine Jenkins realise what she's let herself in for. Friction on the floats results in a rampaging pig and something going up in flames. And it's not the barbecue. Over in court, the King brothers - that's Jimmy, Matthew and Carl or Three Stooges as folk in Soapland know them - are in the dock and insisting they're innocent of conspiracy to murder.
Finally, the killer breaks his/her silence and all is revealed. And if that's not enough excitement, the rumour around Soapland is that a much-loved villager will die. I don't know the cause but it certainly won't be from boredom.
Upset too in EastEnders (BBC1) but then a camping trip with Fill the Fug and kids Ben and Peter was never going to end happily. Young Ben - presumably named after the rat in the film for which Michael Jackson sang the title track - suggests camping to stop the Mitchells and the Fowlers arguing. Well, camping worked for Kenneth Williams, so why not for Fill the Fug.
Alas, they take the wrong camping equipment. Surely, it can't be that difficult to take the right stuff. A tent, provisons and a portable stove should be enough. Plus a portable DVD and mucky movie for when the kids have gone to bed.
But no, Fill the Fug mucks it up and the campers return to Walford. Watch out, Fill, for that mad driver coming the other way - a blonde called Louise probably. Too late, a car accident ensues.
The soap police are already busy interviewing Randy Rob, who's been carted off to Walford nick after his wife, mad medic Dr May, goes around showing off her black eye and accusing him of hitting her.
In Weatherfield, Ken and Dreary Deirdre at still at loggerheads, the place where arguing couples go to have a good row. Ken must be considering ditching Deirdre for Denise in Coronation Street (ITV1). The women have the same initial so he could continue using those towels with K & D on them that Blanche bought for Christmas.
And Claire, driven mad by the noise from the Morton's stereo next door, is having a sleepless night when the smoke alarm goes off. She finds little Freddie's room is ablaze and the force of the heat sends her flying backwards. She's lying unconscious as fire begins to take hold of the house. If she doesn't wake up soon, she'll miss who killed Tom King.
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