I CAN see the headlines now in Soapland’s Daily Bugle – COUPLES IN CRISIS. Nothing unusual, you might say, but it does seem to be particularly bad in the wake of Valentine’s Day.

Take Tina. Well, anyone can take Tina.

She’s always available, especially for Peter, her married lover in Coronation Street (ITV1). But the couple are in trouble after nipping into his flat for a quickie while wife Carla is still oh-la-la-ing in gay Paree.

Alas, Steve sees a light on in the flat, gets a spare key and goes with Lloyd to investigate.

What they see is shocking – Tina in a state of undress.

What they don’t see is Peter hiding while Tina, with bare-faced cheek, bluffs (buffs?) her way out of the situation by claiming to be using the shower because hers is broken.

Gullible Steve and Lloyd believe her but then they aren’t really listening to what she’s saying as their eyes are focused very firmly on her uncovered natural attributes.

Trouble for Marcus and Maria too. This was never a match made in heaven (more like Heaven, the famous London gay venue) as Marcus has turned his back on homosexuality and embraced Maria. But Todd has his eye on Marcus and has been plotting to get him in his arms.

Marcus finds Todd’s phone and takes it round to him, unaware that Todd has left it on purpose so he finds it. Once alone the two, as they say, “get it on”, although Marcus regrets it as soon as he’s had the pleasure.

Val and Eric Pollard in Emmerdale (ITV1) are living proof of the perils of having unprotected sex. Their marriage is a right mess as a result of it.

Val finally owns up that she had a holiday fling with a man who is HIV positive. The pair go to be tested for the virus and the results are not good.

Another couple, Bob and Brenda, find their marriage in trouble after he discovers that she’s the village thief. She’s been nicking stuff left, right and centre and is happy to stand by as Bob blames café worker Ruby for the pilfering. Confronted with a tape showing her thieving, Brenda has no option but to come clean.

ANOTHER village resident, Bernice, is feeling low after being duped on a date by petty criminal Anton. Sister Nicola, who set her up on the romantic assignation, determines to get revenge on the fella who seduced Bernice before handcuffing her to the bed and robbing her. Now some people might like a bit of bondage, but not when someone is rifling through their handbag at the same time.

Ian Beale’s love life EastEnders (BBC1) has never been smooth sailing but he’s happily engaged to Denise (and yes, everyone’s done the “going weak at Denise” joke) although there is the small matter of her snogging the face off Fat Boy.

Now look who’s come calling again – it’s Ian’s ex Jane and he’s happy to see her. He wants her money. She wants to talk about their son, he wants her to invest in Scarlett’s.

Then she bumps into Masood, another ex, who’s perhaps a good reason to stay around.

News of a pregnancy too. It’s Lady Di, pet pooch of the Vic’s new family, the Carters.

The plan to breed bulldog Lady Di with another pedigree didn’t work out because the dog got down and dirty with a rough dog whose name, Tramp, describes his look.

The Carters hopes of selling the puppies for vast sums of money are no more. Perhaps dog lover Paul O’Grady will take the canines off their hands.