Well does TV deserve a partridge in a pear tree out ten or not this year?

TV critic Steve Pratt runs his eye over the festive offerings for another season and picks out the 12 joys, which may or may not all be worth five gold rings but are likely to have more lords a-leaping than swans a-swimming for the hills.

1 NO need to ask if there's a doctor in the house - there are two on call. DOCTOR WHO (Christmas Day, BBC1, 7pm) has a shock for Catherine Tate's bride as she's transported from the altar to the deck of the Tardis. Homicidal Santas and Sarah Parrish's spider lady make this a Christmas, let alone a wedding, to remember. Hopefully David Tennant's Time Lord can sort things out, despite the loss of his travelling companion Rose. DOC MARTIN (Christmas Day, ITV1, 9pm) has a problem of an ornithological nature as the usually-peaceful Cornish village where he lives is invaded by tourists hoping to spot a rare bird, the chough. Martin Clunes stars in this one-off special.

2 Joy in Soapland is as rare as a sighting of the chough. Get out that black dress as Pauline Fowler exits Albert Square in EASTENDERS (Christmas Day, BBC1, 6.30pm and 9pm). The exact circumstances of her departure are being kept under wraps but she'll leave in a hearse not a taxi. And Tom King meets his maker on his wedding day in EMMERDALE (Christmas Day, ITV1, 7pm). See Page 3. But we won't find out whodunit for several months. Things are much quieter in CORONATION STREET (Christmas Day, ITV1, 8pm) unless you come across Sally and Gail competing to be the best hostess when their families get together for Christmas lunch. Full story in Soapwatch on Page 2.

3 Dippy Alice has been reading The Da Vinci Code in THE VICAR OF DIBLEY (Christmas Day, BBC1, 9.30pm) and, having deciphered the clues, concludes that she's the last living descendant of Jesus. Dawn French's The Rev Geraldine has others things on her mind - romance with a handsome new outsider (played by Richard Armitage, the pin-up boy Guy of Gisborne in Robin Hood). Talking of God, Ben thinks he's died and gone to heaven in MY FAMILY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (Christmas Day, BBC1, 5.20pm), see Page 4, while Lou and Andy fly off to Disney World in LITTLE BRITAIN ABROAD (Christmas Day, BBC1, 10.30pm), until a cockpit encounter with pilot Steve Coogan brings them down to earth.

4 Those fast-on-their-feet celebrities are dancing for joy as STRICTLY COME DANCING -THE FINAL (Christmas Eve, BBC2, 8.30pm) with rugby player Matt Dawson v cricketer Mark Ramprakash is repeated. Never ones to leave a hit format alone, the BBC then hosts the STRICTLY COME DANCING CHRISTMAS PARTY (Christmas Day, BBC1, 8pm) in which past contestants put on their sequins again. And that's only the men.

5 ITV put children first in a pair of dramas. AFTER THOMAS (Boxing Day, ITV1, 9pm) , see Page 5, has Keeley Hawes and Ben Miles as parents of an autistic child who find a dog named Thomas is a boon in helping their son cope with his problems. Former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston and Susannah Harker are THE PERFECT PARENTS (December 28, ITV1, 9pm). Well, not exactly, as they tell a fib about their religious beliefs to get their daughter into a top Catholic school.

6 FAKING IT BURLESQUE SPECIAL (Boxing Day, C4, 9pm) takes a Welsh cleaner and attempts to turn her into a striptease artist named Scarlet Fever. As Sharon Pallister can't even bear to wear a bikini on holiday, the job looks like being a tough one in what's billed as the last ever Faking It.

7 Billie Piper is used to time travel after her stint alongside Doctor Who. Now the actress goes back to Victorian times in THE RUBY IN THE SMOKE (December 27, BBC1, 8.30pm). This adaptation of a Philip Pullman novel sees her playing 16-year-old Sally Lockhart, who's determined to uncover the truth behind her father's mysterious death. Julie Walters co-stars as the villainous Mrs Overall, sorry Mrs Holland.

8 Bill Oddie, Kate Humble and Simon King get together to review the year's wildlife events in SPRINGWATCH CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (Boxing Day, BBC2, 7.30pm). They also catch up with some of the birds and animals featured in Springwatch and Autumnwatch to see how they've been getting along since the cameras left them.

9 Naked members of the Women's Institute and swashbuckling Captain Jack Sparrow head the season's TV films schedule. CALENDAR GIRLS (Christmas Eve, BBC1, 9.30pm) has Helen Mirren and Julie Walter as Yorkshire ladies stripping off for a charity calendar, while Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are all at sea in hit movie PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL (Boxing Day, BBC1, 7.30pm). If you're classically inclined, the latest screen version of NICHOLAS NICKLEBY (Christmas Day, BBC2, 8pm) features Queer As Folks actor Charlie Hunnam in the title role and Jamie (Billy Elliot) Bell as the unfortunate Smike in a worthy but dull adaptation.

10Bram Stoker's classic vampire story DRACULA (December 28, BBC1, 9pm) gets new blood in a version starring Hustle's Marc Warren as the fanged fiend. Sophia Myles drops by his castle for a bite, and David Suchet goes hunting bloodsuckers as Van Helsing in this bloody good show. That same chap - played this time by Hugh Jackman - is the titular hero of VAN HELSING (Christmas Eve, ITV1, 9pm), a movie in which he's a Vatican-appointed monster slayer. Richard Roxburgh is Dracula this time.

11Will The Banker be feeling generous as it's Christmas and make an offer the contestant can't refuse in DEAL OR NO DEAL (Boxing Day, C4, 8pm)? Or perhaps he'll behave even more like Scrooge? One thing's for sure, Noel Edmonds will spent his time pacing around. Mr Edmonds also pops up in IT STARTED WITH SWAP SHOP (December 28, BBC2, 9pm), a nostalgic recollection of the Saturday morning show in the days before cartoons and Dick and Dom slapstick style entertainment took over. Keith Chegwin, Maggie Philbin and John Craven help relive those days.

12 No-one has told the people at five it's Christmas, judging by schedules almost totally devoid of turkey and tinsel. Never mind, you can catch up with PRISON BREAK (late night repeats from Saturday, five) as all 22 episodes of the first series of the hit US drama are being re-run late at night.