THERE'S a surprise lying under the Christmas tree in Albert Square.

Oh look, it's Pauline (Foul Temper) Fowler. What can have happened to the Queen of the Launderette that will surely put a damper on the Christmas spirit in EastEnders (BBC1)?

Then again, people might run around echoing that song from The Wizard Of Oz. You know the one that goes, "Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead".

Has Pauline died of natural causes (although, like Jordan's breasts, very little is natural in Soapland) or a broken heart, rejected by everyone around her because she's such a bad-tempered, evil old bat.

My guess is she's been savaged by Betty the dog, who's become fed up with being half of a Bob Carolgees and Spit the dog tribute act. Whatever the cause, her collapse and death on Christmas Day can mean only one thing - a funeral on New Year's Day.

Pauline, queen of the sour face and acid tongue, has fallen out with everyone in past weeks. Son Martin, formerly the tallest man in soap, won't speak to her, mainly because his face is nestling in the ample bosom of Lesbos-visiting Sonia, the wife with whom he has become reacquainted in a carnal fashion. Everyone else in the Square is upset that Pauline lied about having a brain tumour.

Everyone knows she doesn't have a brain, let alone a tumour. Having been sent to Coventry, she decides to go further - to America to live with daughter Michelle. Alas, before she can do that, she drops dead in the middle of Albert Square. Did she fall or was she pushed, or did she choke on her own bile? Answers on a Christmas card please... Then again, she may have seen something more horrible than another episode of My Family - Phil the Fug dressed up as Santa Claus. This is enough to give any child nightmares for the rest of their life. It's like seeing Adolf Hitler playing the Fairy Godmother in pantomime.

Phil has persuaded (a clenched fist is his favourite method) Minty to play Father Christmas after the one booked by the Vic cancelled. But Minty rebels, leaving Phil the Fug no choice but to don the red suit, fur-trimmed beanie and white beard, a look that's regarded as cool in some parts of the East End.

Stacey Slater has taken to bed this Christmas. Max Branning, the man earmarked as her future father-in-law until recently, is already between the sheets. Having been dumped by fiance Bradley, she decides to keep it in the family and find out if father really is like son.

Compared to Walford, things are relatively tranquil in Weatherfield. But there are several unexpected visitors in Coronation Street (ITV1). One doesn't have much to say for himself, just a lot of gurgling and dribbling. This sounds like Jason the builder who's as thick as the two planks he's carrying but is actually a baby. The infant is delivered by a young lady claiming it's the result of a one-night stand with aforementioned Jason, who thinks wearing protection means a luminous yellow jacket saying DANGER.

Demonic David Platt gives mum Gail the perfect present, a diary. Unfortunately it's a used one and contains an entry detailing Gail considering whether to have a termination when she was expecting her son.

This is hardly the sort of news you want relayed over the Christmas dinner table. While Gail's trying to recover from his revelation, the doorbell rings and there's Maureen Webster. Little does she know that husband Bill has been fooling around with Audrey, David's grandmother. She soon learns the news when David, the little devil, inquires if Bill will be sleeping with Maureen or Audrey tonight.

This is small fry compared to Tom King's wedding to grasping Rosemary in Emmerdale (ITV1). No sooner have they been declared man and wife, and he's signed over Home Farm to his bride, than someone pushes the king of Kings out of a window to his death. He's been defenestrated, which is a word you don't often get to throw around in Soapland. Well, he always was a pane in the glass.

There's a long queue of suspects who might have done it. Bob, for instance, holds him responsible for daughter Dawn's death in the King showhouse explosion. So does young Jamie, seen burning jeans he wore at Home Farm. Did they contain important forensic evidence or had he been messy with that curry takeaway the other night?.

Suspicious behaviour, too, from Terry, alias Dawn's former lover and father of her child, as he packs his bags and leaves the country. Tom's own sons, known locally as the Three Stooges, all held something against their devious dad.

Tom's demise isn't the only thing occupying residents of Emmerdale. Pensioner Len declares his love for Mount Edna, presumably under the influence of alcohol. At least, the message is loud and clear, unlike the case of Toni and Paddy the vet, when she mistakenly assumes that he's proposing to her. How anyone can confuse the words "will you be my wife?" with "let's have a swift one down the Woolpack", I don't know.

By the end of the week Bob has confessed to Tom's murder. But don't expect a swift end to the whodunit. This is a story that could run longer than the nose of a man with a bad cold.