SOMEONE once sang that love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. In Soapland the horse has bolted and the relationship of so-called happy couples resembles something that our equine friend deposits on the floor.

Take Max and Kirsty. Or Max and Tanya.

Or practically Max and anyone. This man’s love life is in a worse mess than the British economy in EastEnders (BBC1). You’d think George Osborne was advising him it’s going so badly.

He’s married to Kirsty and her fulsome lips, but pines for Tanya (the woman who buried him alive) and the kids. Poor Kirsty is looking for their ideal home in the Square – and finds it, only for Max’s indecision to lose them the place.

Then she drops a bombshell. Oops, I’m pregnant, she tells him.

How did that happen?, asks Max, although surely he’s had enough practice to know full well how babies are made.

This doesn’t bode well for the future. Nor does the imminent release from prison of Ronnie, the woman who swapped Kat’s child for her own dead one. She’s busy writing letters to one and all to how sorry she is.

And, of course, she needs somewhere to live once she’s out.

The timing of her reappearance in Walford is unfortunate to say the least. Her ex, I’m- All-Right Jack, is making plans to wed Sharon, despite the horrible time he experienced being married to Ronnie.

He doesn’t even want to read what she has to say. Kat’s none too pleased either to receive a letter from the Bad Girl. She reckons she’s forgiven Ronnie for the whole swap thing, but doesn’t want her anywhere near her child. Kat’s a busy girl. She also finds time to confront Michael about him providing for their child, Tommy. Michael, the only man I know whose wallet has a combination lock, isn’t having any of it – and Kat isn’t having any of his money, he tells her.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Deceiving Declan decides the way to a woman’s heart is through a horse. No, he’s not cooking one for dinner (saddle of Bavarian Warmblood being especially tasty), but giving wife Katie one. A horse, that is.

And not just any old nag (or Edna as she’s known by villagers), but a racehorse. This is to appease his guilty conscience over his fling with Charity, about which Katie is still blissfully ignorant for the moment. She’s thrilled at the thought of wearing a big hat at the races.

In Coronation Street (ITV1) you might have thought that Karl and Stella’s relationship went up in flames when he set fire to the Rovers. The signs are that the excouple could be getting back together, especially as she’s ignorant to the fact that he started the fire.

He got back in her good books by playing the hero and rescuing her from the flaming inferno. Now she wants to reward him with more than a pint of Newton and Ridley’s best bitter on the house.

Stella’s new boyfriend, Jason, feels left out, Not to worry, I’m sure Karl would start a fire to keep him warm if he asked nicely.