Church red tape thwarting Darlington mum's memorial plan for son

Although Carole Martin has already paid for the memorial she believed she had agreed with the church, a judge has refused permission for it to be put over the plot where her son’s ashes are buried in St Andrew’s Church yard at Haughton-le-Skerne, Darlington.

Last night, Mrs Martin condemned the decision as "inhumane" and accused the church authorities of lacking empathy.

Royal Marine Owen Wason was posted to Afghanistan at the age of just 18 and was the youngest member of 45 Commando sent there at the time.

But eight years later, haunted by the memories of what he had seen in Afghanistan where eight of his friends were killed during two gruelling tours of duty, and, suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), he took his own life.

In his memory, his mother wanted to have a 20in wide by 12in high memorial stone put over the plot where his ashes are buried along with a 2ft by 3ft stone ledger over the plot on which she originally wanted inscribed the words of a poem known as “The Final Inspection”.

The Diocesan Advisory Committee (DAC) had concerns about the poem so she sought to have a different one – “Miss me – but Let Me Go", but that also met with disapproval.

Underneath the proposed inscription for the headstone was to be the badge of 45 Commando Royal Marines, and the words "never above you, never below you, always beside you".

And on the back of the stone Mrs Martin wanted the words : “Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure. You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure.”

Mrs Martin was given what she believed was written consent to carry out the work after a petition and public notice submitted to the Registry, along with design plans and photographs, ruled that there were no objections.

She then arranged for a stonemason to craft the gravestone.

However, she was later informed that the letter did not provide full consent, and was instead an agreement to open up a new area of the church yard for cremated remains. Incurring further cost, she applied to the Church of England’s Consistory Court for permission. But Adrian Iles, Chancellor of the Diocese of Durham in his role as a judge of the Consistory Court has turned it down.

Mrs Martin had written to the court: "We would like to be able to show our ongoing love, respect and gratitude for Owen with an appropriate memorial in the form of a head stone that is more fitting with the sacrifice he gave for his country and feel like it is more in line with the obligations of the nation as set out in the Armed Forces Covenant. "

Chancellor Iles ruled that the proposals did not comply with conditions governing what should and should not be done in churchyards.

The DAC had already refused to permit it on the basis they considered the proposals would be, “incongruous”, visually inappropriate and would not comply with the rules relating to memorial stones.

Backing the DAC, Chancellor Iles said: “I agree with the assessment of the DAC that the proportions and mass of the proposed memorial would be out of place with its proposed surroundings and prominent setting.

“Furthermore, it would be almost completely covered with inscriptions, contrary to rule xi) of the Churchyard Rules which requires inscriptions to be simple and reverent, and for any literary quotation to be appropriate within the context of a Christian burial ground.”

And he did not approve inclusion of the poem “Miss me – but let me go,” saying it would not inform anyone who read it about the life of Owen Wason.

However, he said that in March this year the DAC had suggested a compromise in which if the plan could be scaled down, even though it would still not be fully in accordance with church yard rules, they would consider approving it.

He put the matter on temporary hold to give Mrs Martin an opportunity to amend her application to comply with the DAC suggestion.

Mrs Martin chose St Andrews for Owen’s burial so his ashes could be amongst family members. She is now being left with making the heart-rending decision of either agreeing with the suggestion or exhuming her son's ashes and placing them elsewhere with the memorial stone.

At his inquest in February last year, Mr Wason was described as a “phenomenal" Royal Marine. The commando's step-father Paul Martin told the hearing: "Owen was a really good lad – a great character."

Thousands of pounds worth of donations were pledged to PTSD charities in memory of the military man who toured Afghanistan between 2008 and 2012.

Mrs Martin said last night: "Given Owen’s service to his country, the outstanding reputation he had as a phenomenal Royal Marine Commando, and the trauma he suffered as a consequence of war at such a young age, I find the lack of empathy from the Diocese of Durham and St Andrew’s Church inhumane.

"This has caused further, unnecessary grief and stress to the whole family, as there is nothing to represent his presence at the graveyard. Owen leaves behind his young son George, who needs a place to visit his daddy. Owen deserves a place to rest, and a headstone to mark his bravery and commitment to our country."

A spokesperson for the Diocese of Durham said: “The permission Mrs Martin refers to is actually a faculty for the agreement to open up a new area of the church yard for cremated remains, which on the second page outlines the conditions of what is permissible as memorials in this area of the churchyard. Mrs Martin seems to have mistakenly taken this as the agreement to go ahead with the headstone.

"It is dated 30th September 2010, some years before her request and is clearly referring to the previous Vicar The Reverend Doctor David Bryan, and not anything to do with her request. This fact is outlined by the Chancellor in his latest ruling. 

“We are keen to help to resolve the situation as best we can within the guidelines set out for churchyards as referred to in the Chancellor's ruling. We very much hope that we can work with Mrs Martin and to achieve a fitting memorial to her son in due course."