Belgian comedian traces his Darlington connection

Teesside lad John Agnew was the Quakers' outside left in the mid-1950s, marrying his third wife - a Belgian called Josephina Gielen - in Antwerp in 1973.

His son Alex, they reckon, is the funniest thing since Brussels sprouts, the first Belgian comedian to win the "prestigious" Leids Cabaret Festival, the man bringing high humour to the low countries.

We come, unscripted, across him because Belgian television is planning a "Who do you think you are?" style programme on the guy.

John Agnew was born in Eaglescliffe in 1935, trained as an engineer, left Sheffield Wednesday without making a first team appearance and after signing for Darlington in 1954-55 made 17 successive first team appearances until a 1-1 FA Cup draw at Barrow.

"Twice Agnew was put through in good positions but failed to score," reported Darneton in the Echo. The poor lad never appeared again that season.

"He was a tall, slim boy, a very good runner," recalls Quakers legend Ken Furphy.

"I do remember the trainer always shouting at him to get up and down more, though."

Ken's now 76, long in Torquay, captains his bowls team - "I always swore I'd never take the game up" - and for the last 23 years has been covering Torquay United for local radio. "They never ring me or anything," he says, "I just turn up the first home game of the season."

Annick Ruyts, a researcher for Belgian television station Canvas - "Like the BBC, but a lot less budget," she says - has spent a week in England and has clearly been doing her homework.

She's traced the family back to John's grandfather, discovered that one committed suicide - "balance of the mind disturbed" - that John cadged corned beef from American soldiers during the war, visited Stockton Odeon dressed as a teddy boy and even hunted, though for what and with whom is unclear.

Alex was born in 1972, had a one-man television show called Ka-boom and a new one called Morimos Solamente - translations welcome. He sings, too.

"He brings no calm, intellectual, profound comedy but genuine rock and roll comedy," says his website.

"He has a very dynamic show and doesn't hesitate to broach sensitive subjects. He does not consider taboos to be useful."

John Agnew, who died in 2002, returned to the Darlington team in 1955-56 but was again dropped after a 5-3 home defeat to Carlisle United in which eight goals were scored in 55 minutes - ironic because the two sides had earlier that season played four hours of FA Cup football before either could score once, 34,000 watching the second replay at Newcastle.

"The attack was poor, especially on the left wing,"

concluded Darneton after the 5-3. Agnew, four goals in 26 appearances, never made the black and white picture again.

Without laughing last at all, he was despatched to Corby Town.

■ Annick Ruyts would love to hear from anyone who remembers John Agnew or his family. We'll pass on information.

Arthurs fondly recalls the boys in two-blues' bit of a skive' at Kingsway

TUESDAY'S column reported on the 24-mile sponsored walk which some of us did at the weekend to raise money for Bishop Auckland FC's new stadium fund - or other causes of the walker's choice.

One of the two readers who has sent me a cheque for the Bishops' fund - others are still most welcome so to do - is Arthur Stephenson, who himself wore the two-blues with pride but only for the Bishop Auckland divisional police team.

"It was always a great thrill to wear that shirt, even more when we played at Kingsway," says Arthur, now 77 and in Stockton.

Which one's him on the photograph, then? "The dark haired, good looking swine second from right on the front row," he says.

The goalkeeper's George Lear, who we remember from his days as sergeant at Middleton-in- Teesdale, the lad in the hat - good CID hat, that - is Alfie Bowron, the detective at Shildon.

The picture was taken at Shildon in April 1959, the Bishop boys 13-2 winners after being 2-0 down. Opposition unrecalled.

"Our problem was consistency,"

says Arthur. "If you weren't needed on the 2-10 shift it was a bit of a skive really, but if you had duties elsewhere they had to come first. I've seen blokes play in police boots and trousers because no one else turned up."

The boys in two-blue are: Back row: Det Con Alf Bowron, PC Ernie Wiles, PC Bill Carter, PC George Lear, Cadet Harry Askew, PC Bob Hope, Cadet Donald Glasper, Sgt Bill Parlett. Front: Det Con Jack Newton, PC Jack Finley, PC Robert Parkinson, PC Arthur Stephenson and PC John Thompson.

ARTHUR Stephenson, forever Stivvie, became an inspector at Stockton. His best tale, however, concerns his days as village polliss at Coundon, near Bishop Auckland when Supt Thomas Oliver Pringle - Top to his subordinates - ordered the reluctant young bobby to do something about the bairns playing outside Ranaldi's café.

Ten of them were summoned to juvenile court, perhaps the only case in legal history of obstructing the pavement by playing hum-dum-dum.

THE walk's only downside had been coming across the fire gutted remains of The Little House on the Prairie, Stanley United's unique and much loved pavilion.

Suggestions that it might have been an electrical fault may be discounted, however. Long serving former team manager Vince Kirkup, no less gutted, has been told by the fire brigade that it was arson.

"I warned the police after kids had broken in a few weeks ago that they'd be firing the place soon," says Vince. "It's withstood every storm that Stanley could throw at it for 99 years, never a tile off, and now this.

"If it had blown down in the wind I could have accepted it, but this is just wicked. It should have been made a listed building long ago."

The blaze was so fierce that firemen heading from High Handenhold - near Chester-le- Street - could see it as they came through Tow Law.

"It was still in working order, no way derelict," says Vince.

"This goes deep, they don't know what they have done."

Manager, secretary and much more for nearly three decades, he's one of two ground trustees - the other is 95-year-old Lily Midgley - after British Coal sold it to the club, for £1, in 1991.

"We had a whip round. It's a unique bargain for a quid," he said at the time - pictured in 1991 with 82-year-old club chairman Les Westgarth and Ian Day of British Coal.

Now negotiations are well advanced to sell the ground back to CISWO, the Coal Industry Social Welfare Organisation, for the same amount - and with no regard to inflation. It was hoped that the local council might have taken it over for recreational purposes.

Vernon Jones of CISWO admits that the loss of the Little House could prevent the site's development. "It wouldn't preclude the transfer of the land but could be a major problem for a future tenant.

"If we can't find a tenant we would have to dispose of the site for other purposes. I sincerely hope it still has a future; but what happened last week is an absolute tragedy."

Whatever happens, it won't be lining Vince's pockets. "I did nearly 30 years without a penny and I certainly don't want one now - I'm just shattered that all that has been lost."

Mollitt's bloody Sri Lankan final ends abruptly

IF NOT quite in tears, the Sri Lankan FA Cup final has certainly ended in blood and sweat for Andy Mollitt, Richmond School teacher and former captain of the town's cricket club.

On attachment in Colombo, he plays for surprise finalists Saunders FC - improbably described as "glamour boys of local soccer" by the Sri Lankan Daily News.

Trailing 1-0 at half time, Saunders were fighting back when, after 65 minutes, big Mol trotted up from the back for a set piece. A striker hit the bar, the ball bouncing into the six yard area. Andy graphically takes up the story.

"I saw ball, goal and the biggest celebration ever, so took off for the full length diving header. Their centre back mistook my balding pate for the ball and the next thing I knew I was sprawling in an uncompromising position on top of the opposing goalkeeper with my yellow shirt fast turning red.

"I was then assaulted by four blokes in green boiler suits, who were apparently ambulance men, before being stretchered round the pitch to a standing ovation. Brilliant."

The opposition bagged two more in injury time while our man spent a couple of hours having a brain scan and ten stitches in his napper. "A fantastic evening," he insists.

"Terry Butcher eat your heart out."

THE indomitable Mark Turnbull, blind presenter of early morning programmes on BBC Radio Cleveland - soon to become BBC Tees - is to have a race at Redcar's August 25 meeting named after him. It'll be the BBC Tees Mark Turnbull in the Morning Handicap Stakes.

Mark rings the news, and the interesting double meaning, himself. "I think it's gorgeous,"

he says.

TOM Stafford, our man behind the stumps, reports that Yorkshire Over 50s cricket team have won the first out of four in the attempt to defend last year's county championship.

Scalps include Lancashire's - "the old enemy, or so they tell me," says Tom, retired newsagent and the Tykes' overseas pro. He's from Kent, and supports Arsenal.

Tom also keeps well for Yarm, in the NYSD, though he's noted a subtle difference in the injury list. "We may got the odd broken finger, split webbing or whatever.

"In Yorkshire Over 50s at the moment we have two heart bypasses and a replacement knee.

I think it's what's called time and tide."

FIRST football of the preseason tonight, the annual match at Tow Law in memory of John Noddings, who died during a charity game in 2003. As usual it's Tow Law against Weardale, as usual there are allegations of illicit international clearance and as usual, every penny raised will go to the British Heart Foundation. Kick off's at 7pm, weather guaranteed subtropical.

More of that on Monday.

HIS 60th birthday looming in a few weeks, familiarly touchy North-East footballer Ralph Wright - everyone from Bolton Wanderers to New York Cosmos, Stockport County to Miami Toros and with Hartlepool and Spennymoor United somewhere in between - has been back to the States to celebrate his 30th wedding anniversary.

Ralph, Ferryhill lad originally, had done San Francisco, Las Vegas and LA. It was after visiting Alcatraz, innocent until proved otherwise, that he and his wife boarded a tram back to the city, Jean first.

"Hasn't your partner got a bus pass?" asked the helpful driver.

It wouldn't do to name the source, of course, save that they'll soon be an Over 50s double act. "Ralphy," he adds, "wasn't very happy at all."

HAIL fellow, well met, Gordon Thubron in Newton Aycliffe notes after London's recent wintry blast that there was something similar when the 1839 Derby was run, in mid-June.

AND FINALLY...

THE Football League club which plays at Christie Park (Backtrack, June 19) is Morecambe.

Today back to that twice replayed FA Cup tie between Darlington and Carlisle United - mentioned above - in 1954- 55. Readers are invited to suggest what was so special about the second replay, at St James' Park.

Enlightenment on Tuesday.